Volunteering Done Well

During our lifetimes, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer for things. It is likely that you can count, with ease, several occasions when you have volunteered for something...or two somethings...or fifteen. Perhaps all at one time. Or maybe you've been more methodical in your approach to volunteerism (is that a word?) and only volunteered for one thing at a time. If that's you, high five to you! 

One of the things that I have noticed about some people who volunteer is that they sometimes are not very happy about what they are doing. This is evidenced by the amount of grumbling they may do when they talk about the said volunteered-for efforts. 

To be clear, I am absolutely, 100%, full on, without a doubt, guilty of this myself. Seriously - like, to a fault. In fact, I remember talking (complaining) about all the things on my plate at one time in my life that included being a single mom of two younger children, working full time, going to school part time, and volunteering for a number of things - yes, all at the same time. I felt overwhelmed, rightfully so. But a friend who patiently listened to all my woes quietly suggested to me that maybe there was too much going on and perhaps it was a good time to cut back on some of those things so life would be a little less stressful. (I'm looking at you, RF...) 

That comment stung but it was the truth. In a really big way. But, it was really great advice which I eventually did take though it took time. 

Were the things I was volunteering for good causes? Yes! 

Were they things I was interested in? Of course! 

Did my participation make a difference? Mmmm...maybe. 

Should I have politely turned down those opportunities to volunteer? Most likely. 

Now (slightly) older, the decision to invest in a particular event, program, or organization is made with a bit more thought and consideration. I want to be a productive member and bring value to the table...and I want to do it because, well, I WANT to. I now know that I CAN say no. And so can YOU.  

Volunteering? Here are a few things to consider: 

1) Not interested? Just say no. (PS: don't feel obligated to explain why you are saying no but if you do explain, do it with the intention of helping the other person understand what you might be interested in helping with if it applies in the future.) 

2) If it interests you and promises to be challenging, consider saying yes despite the challenge because getting a bit out of your comfort zone can be helpful in building character. (Or building some other attribute, skill, or value that you hadn't considered before.)  

3) If you aren't sure, ask questions until you can make the decision with confidence. 

4) If you know you are already overtasked and have zero or very little margin in your life, please say no. Say no for you, for your people, and for the cause. When you overcommit, besides the high stress and anxiety you produce for yourself and possibly your family, you likely aren't able to bring your best to the table for this which can create its own issues. 

5) If you say yes, say yes with a smile and have fun with it! It's not always going to be "fun" but then again, it might be. Why not make the best of it? 

6) Interested but haven't been asked yet? Seek out the opportunity and let the committee / team know of your interest. Don't be shy! 

A quick rant: when did it become required, or the "norm", to complain, grumble, gossip, and/or act irritated or mad about something that you volunteered for? In talking to some friends recently about a volunteer opportunity, we talked about how the people desired for those positions were those who actually WANTED to volunteer and be involved, not those that just say yes out of obligation. 

Still not sure? Try this...

If your answer sounds something like this: "I'd love to", or "Oh! That sounds like fun, count me in!", or "I'm in!" - then you're in the right place. 

If your answer sounds something like this: "I can if you need the help", "Yeah. I can probably make that work.", or "I guess so" - then just say no. 

Please. 

For the love of everything good...just say no. 

For those looking for volunteers, a word of advice if I may: 

1) Stop trying to fill a need with "a body", any body. Instead, think about those who might connect more deeply to the need and/or have a particular skillset that may be needed. 

2) Be intentional in who you reach out to. And by the way, be able to verbally communicate why they were asked. ("We thought of you for this because of ________" sounds a lot better than "we are trying to get 6 people to help with ____.") 

3) Be inclusive, not exclusive. Having a diverse group of people at the table with different experiences and different skills can be incredibly helpful in making the outcome something that is more well-rounded and complete. 

4) Think outside the box. Stop asking the same people over and over and over and over again. 

5) Don't ask for volunteers like it's a blanket statement...or put out a piece of paper for people to sign up for it. Just don't. 

6) Extend a personal ask! This is a big one. Literally walk up to the person, call them, write an email or a hand written letter (a forgotten art!), DM them on social media...whatever it takes. Just ask them personally if they would consider participating (and specifically why you are asking them.) 

One final thought...in case you need a good reason to actually volunteer, below is a link to a Harvard Medical School blog explaining how volunteering may be good for your body and for your mind - a great read! :-) 

Harvard Medical School on Volunteering

Thinking of something that might have been missed here? Leave it in the chat below. We can be better together. 

May your next (or current) volunteer effort be meaningful, impactful, productive, and fun! 

Celeste

Happy New Year!

Happiest of New Years to you! Hopefully everyone had an opportunity to take a break over the holidays to rest and reflect on the past year, enjoy loved ones, and set your sights on your next adventure. 

It seems nearly impossible that we are already in 2023. How can that be? Growing up people often were heard saying that time goes by so fast. The older I get, the more truer that becomes. For you too? 

For me, it is also true that I increasingly cherish the excitement of a new year. Like, giddy excitement. Literally. In fact, as an avid bullet journaler, the journal for the new year is often purchased in November or early December. The official opening of the bullet journal usually happens after Christmas. That remains true this time too! 

So, how did you prepare for this new year? Or is your plan to not plan?

Did you make note of the things that are carryovers from last year (or the year before for those of us who are still working on longer-term projects) that need to be completed? "Longer-term projects" is a nice way to say something is taking too long or is the victim of procrastination.😁 

Did you wipe the slate clean for everything else? 

Have you penciled in the vision for your new year? Or maybe penned it in? Perhaps you used a permanent marker instead? (High five to you!)

Do you have a plan in place? 

Did you identify your word-of-the-year and / or a verse-of-the-year to help guide you and keep you focused? 

All organized? 

Ready to jump right in? 

Yeah, me too. 

Let's go! 

It's worth repeating: Happy New Year! 

CMN

Finding Joy in Grief

"Grief is a reminder of the depth of our love. Without love, there is no grief. So when we feel our grief, uncomfortable and aching as it may be, it is actually a reminder of the beauty of that love, now lost." (Gordon Wheeler)

Each year on the anniversary of Mario's death, and the day following it which happens to be his birthday, out of self-preservation perhaps, my calendar has been blocked off. Doing so allows for much needed flexibility in the day to make room for the raw emotions that flow. This year is no exception.

There is a excerpt from The Book of Joy that I love and speaks to this: "To linger in the longing, the loss, the yearning is a way of feeling the rich and embroidered texture of life, the torn cloth of our world that is endlessly being ripped and rewoven."

It seems nearly impossible that today marks five years since Mario was stripped from our lives. In some ways it feels much longer but in other ways, it has gone too quickly. As I look back over the last five years, there have been a few things that stand out about the grieving process:

1. The vapors of his life still exist: As many of you have reached out with a note of encouragement, sharing a memory of Mario, or simply offered prayers for our family, we have been touched. In doing this, we are comforted that he is not forgotten and that you also think about him and remember him. 
2. Parental duties don't stop: I can't adequately explain this but as Mario's mother, I feel a sense of responsibility (sometimes this equates to desperation) to ensure he is not forgotten. It feels somewhat as though in doing so I am still protecting him. Still looking out for him in a way. Still caring for him and taking care of him. 
3. Sharing about him is just that, about him: sometimes when I come across a memory, a picture, something from the past, it gets shared in a variety of ways. When that happens, it is not a cry for attention or for sympathy as some may think. My son existed and for those of you who knew him personally, you know that he lived a "loud" life. He was vibrant, gregarious, chatty, funny, compassionate and was that "in your face" (in a good way) kind of guy. Before Mario's death there was a pretty constant flow of sharing funny stories, precious moments, etc. and that doesn't just stop because his heart stopped beating. 
4. Life (and death) are full of life lessons: as I continue to reflect on Mario's life and death, they serve as reminders to me that life is short; there truly isn't much in life to stress about ("Ain't Stressin" was Mario's final tweet); that relationships matter; to always say goodbye; to live life in a way that is purposeful and driven even when under pressure to do something different. 
5. Be grateful: we truly have so much to be thankful for in life. We also have so much to be thankful for in death. Verbalizing the things that we are thankful for is a healthy way to keep a good balance in life and helps avoid the mental trap of focusing on the negative. Is dealing with a death, especially a death of a child difficult? You bet. But when I begin to think about all the things there are to be thankful for (my children, the privilege of being a mom, the memories that make me literally laugh out loud still today.......the list is long), I am reminded of how much there is to be grateful for and it is uplifting. 

Each person's grieving process is different. It looks different. It feels different. It does not come in a box with a pretty little bow. It is messy. It has no timetable. It has no end. To expect a person to "just get over it" is unrealistic. In case you aren't aware, time does not heal all wounds. However, the grieving process is just that - a process. And through the process, there is joy to be found. Joy in the memories, joy in the love, joy in the life once lived, joy in your life lived today. 

May you find it too. 

"Grief is a reminder of the depth of our love. Without love, there is no grief. So when we feel our grief, uncomfortable and aching as it may be, it is actually a reminder of the beauty of that love, now lost." (Gordon Wheeler) 

Rejoice!

As my family and I go through the holidays this year with an obvious hole in our home, our celebrations, and our hearts, we'd like to thank all of your for your prayers of comfort, peace and for your continued support of us in various ways.

Admittedly, I have been walking cautiously through Thanksgiving and in preparing for Christmas under the name of "good self-care"; protecting my heart, attempting to stay in a "safe" place for me, and frankly, dreading the holidays to some degree. There is a part of me that has wanted to just close my eyes and not open them again until after it is all over just to avoid going through it. The thought of Mario not being with us this year, and in the years to come, brings with it a great deal of heartache - and it is in that spirit that I have been preparing my heart and my emotions. Read that, I have been solely focused on me.

That brings me to the sermon from this morning given by our Pastor Jason Braaten. (A link to read or listen to the whole sermon is provided below if you are interested - it is well worth your time.) The focus of the message this morning was around Philippians 4:4 - 7.

"⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

As the message was unfolding, my mind began to justify my more negative mindset: "I am thankful. That is enough." It is true that somehow God has allowed me to continually be thankful for the people around me, the relationships, the provisions, the blessings, and the list goes on... But what these verses were saying was something well beyond just being thankful. They are calling me (and you) to rejoice in the Lord. Not just when the times are good. Not just when it is convenient. But always. There simply is no way to wiggle around, or misinterpret the word "always". It is an absolute. It is measurable. And it is much more than just being thankful.

Rejoice: to feel joyful, be delighted. (dictionary.search.com)

Today has been a good reminder of how often we get so focused on ourselves, and while it may seem justified to be that way circumstances-dependent, it is also a good reminder that when we drop our gaze from the One who saves, we will forget to rejoice.

I'd like to encourage you to join me in not focusing so much on the gifts, the food, the events, and all the other things we tend to stress over, including our losses. Instead, focus on rejoicing in the Lord; being joyful and delighting in Him. He clearly promises a peace that you can't get anywhere else. Join me in resting in that peace today, throughout the holidays, and moving forward through life.

Below is an excerpt from this morning's message that is meaningful. When you read through this, know that it isn't just a message for those that have lost someone. It is a message for all of us. Regardless of what the stressors are.

Thanks again for your prayers. My prayer for each of you is that you will be able to relax in the true meaning of this season. That together we will realize that it isn't about us at all, but it is all about Him. That we are able to keep our eyes on God and joy in our hearts. That we will never cease to Rejoice!

Merry Christmas to you all of you, with love.

"So rejoice, dear Christians; again I will say, Rejoice. The Lord is at hand. And despite your present suffering, despite the sorrow you have for those loved and lost, despite the fact this time, this season, this Christmas is not the same as you always remembered, or even as you always imagined it to be, there is a fitting and reasonable joy in your midst nevertheless. Because the Lord is at hand." ~ Rev. Jason Braaten


http://immanueltuscola.org/sermons/the-fourth-sunday-in-advent/

What are your stop signs?

There are some things in life that are just so profound that we just don't forget them. Sometimes this is in the form of something big, but sometimes it could be a very small detail. One of those profound times for me is when I received the phone call on March 6th letting me know about Mario's accident. After a very hesitant and compassionate deputy coroner shared the news that Mario did not survive, she very methodically began to share the details of the accident as she knew them.

It is a very distinct moment for me when she told me of the location of the accident, describing the quick jog in road where Mario lost control of the car. Even as the fog of reality began to surround me, it is with clarity that I remember knowing the exact location she was talking about - the picture of the jog in the road easily came to mind. It was a familiar part of the country road I had traveled on many times. Even in the light of day that part of the long road could be precarious, so it was pretty easy to understand how there could be a problem when it was dark outside with no lights on the road, especially for a pretty new driver, as he was.

My mind has wondered more than once: if only there had been a stop sign there when Mario was taking that road, would he still be here with us? I cannot allow myself to dwell there. I know that Mario's destiny was written long before I ever knew it. But what if putting stop signs on that corner could prevent someone else's death? For six months, that has been a question that has rattled around in my brain.

Although unsure what it would take to get the stop signs put into place, my imagination went to work: would it be a city issue or county? Would I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork to request it? Would I have to stand in front of a panel of unknown people to petition for it? How much would it cost? Where do I even start? Am I strong enough to begin this unknown process? With no answers to any other questions, I did know for sure the answer to the last question was "no".

Until now.

Earlier this week I reached out to a friend of our family who I thought might be able to provide some direction. He agreed that something needed to be done and committed to looking into how to go about it.

Fast forward to last night when there were a series of events that happened, one right after another. I happened to run into Mario's pediatrics physician assistant whom he adored...and she adored him. I had not seen her since his death so it was an emotional time of greeting each other and catching up. Trying to keep it together while driving away from that chance meeting, the song Amazing Grace came on the radio. This is the song that I used to sing to the kids as they were growing up and one of the songs that was sung at his funeral. Of course, that brought the emotions to a new level. Towards the end of the song, my phone rang. It was the friend I had reached out to earlier in the week about the stop signs.

This is the good news I get to share....

After speaking to a few people, he was able to get into the right person in the city works area. The person he was talking to was aware of the accident and the outcome of it. Since then that area had been on their radar screen and field testing had been conducted, a federal grant had been written, and they were waiting for final approval. I instantly thought to myself, "how much could two stop signs be? Why the federal grant?" I wanted to interrupt and offer just to pay for the stop signs but instead just continued to listen. The grant, he said, was for a million dollars. Imagine my surprise! I know the government has been known in the past for charging an enormous amount of money for things, but that is ridiculous, I thought.

My friend went on to explain that the grant wasn't for stop signs, it was to redo the road. (((Pausing for effect))) It took a second for that to sink it. He continued to gently tell me that the road had been on the radar screen for some time. They knew it was an issue because there had been accidents there before, however, sometimes with things like this it isn't until there is a death that it becomes serious. A priority. And they have enough cause to push the request through. With the loss of Mario, they now had enough to push it through. And, if things go as they expect for them to, the grant will be approved, the project funded, and the road work will begin in the spring.

Anyone else feeling overwhelmed in a good way?

The first thing that came to mind is how I was just looking for some simpleton stop signs. That was my solution. But God pushed me out of the way, before I even got in the way, and went well beyond that. I am ashamed at how small I made God and the box I tried to put Him in. And I'm incredibly thankful that my God is a BIG God with whom nothing is too big or too small for.

While it is sad that someone had to die for this issue to get fixed...and not just any someone - it was our Mario. But I'm not mad. It is sad to me, but I'm not mad. Nor do I want anyone else to be. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and once the road is done, of which they say you won't hardly be able to tell there was a jog in the road, I will have the peace that no one else will die because of that jog.

And this is reason # 542 that proves Mario's death is not in vain. ("542" is a completely made up number - it's probably actually something like #999.) I still believe with all my heart that this was Mario's destiny and it was all part of the plan. I know I've said that multiple times and you may be tired of hearing it, but it is the truth that I continue to hang onto. He fulfilled his God-given purpose both in life AND in death.

I am in awe.

Lord, thank you for being in the details. Thank you for caring so much about the small and the big details of life. Forgive me for making You so small with my simple requests and for thinking I have the answers. Thank You for going so far over-the-top to show me that you love me - and many others. 

More than anything, thank You for choosing me to be Mario's mom and allowing me 17 years with him. Thank You for continuing to show me how full of life he was, and continues to be. Give my boy a hug and kiss for me (be careful, he might slobber on you on purpose) and get one back from him - he's good at that, as you must know by now. 

With Abandonment I Write

Sometimes it seems impossible that it has been over six months since Mario left us. The strange thing is that the further away from that day I get, and as life continues to go on for me and my family, the harder it seems to get. The old adage of "time heals all wounds" simply is not true.

By far, the hardest part of my grieving process has been not being able to touch Mario. I miss the moments of him hanging on me so much that I had to tell him to "get off!" or to stop putting all of his 150 lbs of weight on me. I miss all the hugs that I would get from him...ALL the time. I miss the crazy amount of kisses that he would plant on my cheek and forehead. Sometimes when he would plant that kiss, he would hold it there as long as he could until he was laughing so hard he was drooling on me and I was laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face. And I miss hearing his voice calling for me because he needed something, or wanted to tell me something...or just telling me he loves me.

I'm not trying to be all sappy here. This is my new reality. Everyone's grieving process is different. I've come to terms with that and have accepted the fact that this feeling will not go away. Ever. Something that I'm okay with too. The way I see it, as long as I can feel the loss of Mario, I still feel Mario. Or perhaps it is the other way around: as I still feel Mario in my life, it makes the loss of him real.

So that brings me to this morning. On my 35 minute commute to work today I was having what I now affectionately call "a moment". A moment = when I feel Mario and emotionally feel the loss of him in a very real way. I was struggling to keep it together but knew I would soon arrive to work and go straight into a meeting that I needed to be focused on. After the meeting I was still struggling a bit emotionally with no known trigger for the emotion.

Back at my desk I found an email from a coworker in my inbox. The explanation in it was that his daughter had to write an essay for her National Honor Society application. The topic was on a person that has influenced her life and he thought I might like to see it. As I opened the essay and started to read it, I had to shut my door. With their permission, I am sharing that essay with you:

****

                I will never forget one specific day of my sophomore year in high school.  March 7^th, 2014, my world came to a standstill when I woke up to a text that my close friend Mario McNeill had died the night before in a car crash near my house.  I immediately could not breathe and began to cry.  Mario had a huge impact on my life before and after he died.  Even now he is still a huge influence on my day to day life as well.  We had met several years earlier, we took the same bus route together on our way home from middle school.  The first time I met him was on a yellow school bus, in the very back seat, I needed a seat and he wouldn’t let me sit by him.  After a few awkward starring moments, he finally slid over and let me get the remaining 12 inches of the bench.  The way he smiled just made you fall in love with him and his personality, regardless of his sarcastic actions.  We became good friends after that awkward bus seat encounter.  I would ride my bike to his house weekly and he would come out, smile, and we would talk just about anything.  From random bike rides to lovely “Mario style” good morning texts, there wasn’t one single thing you could dislike about him.  Not really knowing many people walking into high school was tough, but when I sat down at the cafeteria table on an early August morning my freshman year, Mario was right beside me either laughing or sending me funny snapchat pictures of myself.  Mario was the definition of a perfect friend, never making you feel sad or worthless, just all smiles and hugs.  He loved hugs.  My day of March 7^th was mostly spent in the councilor’s office running though millions of Kleenex’s trying to dry my eyes.  One thing that made Mario a person of influence in my life was his connection to God.  Passing him in the hallways hearing him trying to convert atheists to Christianity was so heart touching.  His love for God and sharing his message was his passion.  I already know Mario would have most likely been a pastor or some kind of people person sharing his infatuation for the one he lived for.  His impact in my life has been nothing but positive.  Through him, I have made friends that will last a lifetime, a stronger relationship with God, and a friend I look forward to seeing again when it’s my turn to go.  Overall, he taught me that life is short and we need to spend every second living like it’s our last, serving the one who allows us to be on this earth.  Mario’s death was a life lesson for everyone.  He impacted my driving habits and customs as well as whom I’m friends with.  He showed me to love everyone like they are your own family.  He taught me to love life, never take anything for granted, and be so outgoing.  I try to live my life like Mario did, the same way he impacted everyone else’s lives, the same way he STILL impacts everyone’s life.  My life has been changed in such a great way due to Mario and his impact on my childhood all the way to this current day.  Mario makes the grass greener and the skies bluer, there will always be special place in my heart for Kenneth “Mario” McNeill.  

****

Beautiful, right? Yep. I think so too. Here is the deal: it's things like this that help me to remember the assurance that Mario's life had meaning, that he lived his life in such a way that he fulfilled his purpose. I know that just as his life was planned, so was his death - and the timing of his death had it's own purpose. I wish there was a way that I could even remotely express to you how humbling it is to read things like this...to realize this is about my son.

The majority of the time everything still seems so unbelievable. I literally sit and wonder, "did this really happen?", "is he really gone?", "is this for real?" Even after six months those questions stay with me.

Some of you have said that you think I'm "strong". Please know that I am not. It is truly God Himself who sustains me. Me, by myself? I am nothing. But it is Him who is holding me up. And I say that knowing that I do not deserve it, yet He still does it. All I can do is hang on because there is simply no way I can stand on my own. Nor do I want to. I'd rather be right here in this space and time hanging onto Him than failing by myself.

This essay that was sent today? It isn't only a reminder that Mario's life had purpose and that he lived his life with pure abandonment for Christ and for others in his own courageous and outgoing way, but it is a loud reminder to me that this is also the way that I should be living my life.

By the way, the young lady who wrote the essay? She was inducted into the National Honor Society this evening. An honor well deserved. A huge congratulations and an even bigger "Thank You" from a heartbroken mom who needed some encouragement and a solid reminder of where my focus needs to be.

We just never know how our lives are impacting others...live your life with healthy abandonment and courage.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

"Mom, would you sacrifice me if God asked you to?" ~ Mario

That is the question that Mario asked the night before his death. To be frank, I was appalled and didn't want to answer.

We had spent most of the evening at home, just the two of us, while everyone else was out for one reason or another. The majority of our time together was in the kitchen while I was cooking and Mario was bouncing around me talking non-stop, making me pose to take the typical selfies together to send to his friends, and telling me about who was doing what, who said what, and how things were going in his life. Always a jokester, this night was no exception. We were laughing and carrying on together like normal. Business as usual, perhaps.

With my back to him at the stove, the question was dropped. I have been known to call Mario my "shock and awe kid". Usually for dropping what would be considered a "forbidden question", a radical statement, or making some crazy movement, all in the name of shocking someone. He loved those types of reactions. Because he did that so often, there wasn't much that really truly shocked me anymore from him. I was able to recognize what he was doing and knew that it was really just his way of trying to get a reaction from me...or others. But in this one moment, the question stopped me in my tracks.

"Mom, if God asked you to sacrifice me for Him, would you do it?" I noted a hint of seriousness in his tone. The mere thought of what he was asking was absolutely unfathomable and my reaction matched that feeling, "Mario! That is terrible! Don't ask that!"

But he pressed on, "Seriously Mom, if God asked you to kill me, would you do it?" I tried to be insistent and as dismissive as possible in my response, "Mario! I'm not kidding. That is an awful thing to ask me. Stop."

Diving into the waters of an unthinkable question once again, Mario took it a step farther, "Mom, this is Biblical. This happened! God has asked someone to kill their son for Him before. It's in the Bible! What would you do if God asked you to do that? Would you sacrifice me?"

Mario was referring to a story in the Bible, Genesis 22:1 - 19, where God tests Abraham and asks him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, as a burnt offering to the Lord. Just as Abraham is about to kill his only son for God, he is stopped by the angel of the Lord who tells him that since he has shown his fear of the Lord, he is not to harm his son and does not have to kill him. 

Have you ever seen a mom go from being horrified to suddenly as sanctified as she can get? (I am laughing at the irony of that last statement as I write it.) I realized this question was not going to go away easy but I also knew that with a real sense of desperation that I did not want to answer it. Shoving the emotions to the side I tried my best to use that moment as a teaching moment. As calmly as I could muster, I explained to Mario that the story he was referring to was in the Old Testament of the Bible and that we are released from the necessity of offering sacrifices like that in the New Testament once Jesus died for us, for our sins.

To my great relief, that seemed to quell the waters of such a turbulent question. But why was I so effected by that question? Why didn't I want to answer? The answer is simple. Because I couldn't. I was completely torn between knowing what my answer SHOULD have been and knowing what my answer was likely to be...and it wasn't what it should have been.

As a Christian I know that God sent His Son to earth to be like us, to experience life like us, but to die not like us, but FOR us. I consider myself a Christ follower and I have a relationship with Jesus. Here, in the face of a question that essentially challenged the level of my loyalty, purity and genuine love for Christ, I was choking. I was choking because my 5' 8" tall, 156 pound son that was standing in front of me was asking if I was willing to give him up in the name of my relationship with Christ.

In all honesty, if that were a test for me, I likely would have failed. And I am deeply convicted by the thought of that certain failure. As a person who feels rooted and secure in my faith, I am also deeply disturbed with the reality of that failure. Had I been forced to answer that question, my answer would have been "no." But isn't that the level of trust and love that I have for my God? That I would lay my own son's life down if asked to? The word "excruciating" comes to mind. Now if you ask me if I would give up my own life for God, my answer would be a hands-down, with no hesitation, yes! But my own son? Uhhh....

So here is the thing to all of this; the reality is that the very thing Mario was asking me if I would do - sacrifice my son for God - God already did that.

Did you catch what I just said?

Slow down and really take this point in.

God...you know, the God of the universe...the God who chose you to be here right now in this moment...sacrificed His only son for you and me. (I'm not trying to preach here...I'm just making the connection.) He did exactly what Mario was asking if I would do - except He, with the deepest, most compassionate amount of love, went through with it. He freely GAVE His only Son for you and for me.

And it is through that sacrifice, and Mario's belief in that same sacrifice, that Mario is now in Heaven. So the very thing that Mario asked if I would be able to do - sacrifice him if God asked me to - is the very thing that saved him and allowed him in the gates of Heaven because God did it for us.

Epic.

Lord, I am thankful that I live in a time that I do not have to make the choice of sacrificing my own son. I see now that I often take my own level of faith and belief system for granted. That is not what I want for me, but especially not what I want for You from me. Increase my faith in You and allow me to hear Your voice clearly. Thank You so much for choosing me to be Mario's mom. My life has been beyond blessed by my children. Give Mario a kiss and a big hug from me.......

With New Eyes I see

This morning I realized that it is with Mario's death that I have been given new eyes to read scripture with a new and very different perspective. I am finding that there is a longing to understand scripture in a much different way. As I read through my devotions, the lessons seem to resonate at a deeper level and are applied to my life with more meaning. It has become personal.

I'm finding that I want to understand what Mario may be experiencing right now in Heaven, what he experienced in his death as he entered Heaven, how God sees each of us and how he saw Mario during his 17 years of life here on earth. It has been humbling to learn at a much more real and personal way that God provides for us by means that we often don't even recognize. A recent discovery that struck my core: Jesus intercedes on our behalf and the Holy Spirit does the same.

((Side note: Who better to pray for us than Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I could stop right there and just let that simmer...and I am in awe of it...Jesus, the one that was mocked, savagely beaten and hung on a cross to die for me and you - he intercedes on my behalf to the God of the universe - the same God that made you and me. Seriously, that is huge...and it is humbling!))

Since Mario's death, the actual inner workings of the Spiritual realm have become clearer and more prominent in the things read and heard. This is becoming so much so that it motivates an earlier than usual rise in the morning, a thirst for greater understanding of all things spiritual, and is producing in me a very different perspective around what is truly important in life.

I am by no means perfect in these things but rather have become more sensitive to the promptings and lessons of the Spirit...something I don't think would have happened had it not been for Mario's death. As such, I stand firm in the belief that Mario's death was not in vain.

It can easily be said that in Mario's death, he not only still lives, but he is quite possibly more alive than ever before.

God is brilliant.

"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, He will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." Romans 8:11

"Because Jesus lives forever, His priesthood lasts forever. Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf." Hebrews 7:24-25

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Grieving is Twisted (Part II)

In my mind it is expected that as time goes on, things would be better. The pain of grieving would decrease. After all, isn't there a saying that time heals all wounds? Oh what a fool I was to think that.

Many of you have expressed how strong I have been through all of this. With desperation I want you to know that the strength you see is not me. Never would I want someone to see my life and my grieving process and think that there is something wrong with them for not grieving in the same way. You need to know that everyone grieves differently, at different paces even.

What you need to know is that I still cry...daily...without fail. Even in the firm belief that Mario is in Heaven, is safe, is happy, and is way better off than I can imagine - I miss him. In the midst of an emotional moment this week I tweeted exactly what I felt as if it were a new discovery for me: "It is not in his death that I am sad. It's the inability to touch him, hold him, talk to him & laugh w/ him that is torturous." Truth.

And there it is. My new reality. A new reality that is hard to grasp, hard to make sense of. Sometimes reality hits at the strangest times. And sometimes as I stare reality in its face, it oddly feels like it is not reality at all. Things are still surreal.

Over the past six weeks I have tried to set the table for 5, instead of 4. I have had confusion when signing a birthday card to someone from our family and getting stuck when it would have been the place to write Mario's name - I simply didn't know what to do. I have tried to make arrangements for him to get a ride home as that would normally be the case in the scenario at the time. His supper was mentally planned multiple times because what we were having wouldn't be something he would want. My parents, Greg and I sat in silence, head bowed, holding hands, all waiting for Mario to say the prayer before supper like he always did - before realizing someone else was going to have to say it. I've headed to his bedroom to say hello to him when I got home from work, to say goodnight before going to bed, and to wake him up in the morning. I have put some of his favorite "standard" grocery items in the cart before realizing it - and put it back because no one else will eat it. The moments like these seem never-ending.

How twisted is the grieving process? Very.

• I feel as though I somehow need to be strong for everyone else. 
• I feel weak for crying...and even more so when the tears begin to flow without my permission or control.
• I don't want to talk about Mario's death because I don't want people to get tired of hearing about it and get irritated with me talking about it. But I think about it non-stop. 
• I want to hang pictures up of him that we received already framed...but don't want people to think I'm setting up some sort of a shrine or something. 
• I want to share stories about Mario often - and always have done that - but now find myself hesitating because again, I don't want people to think I'm completely obsessed and unable to move on.
• I want to wear the shirts that his friends at the high schools made to honor him - but don't want people to think I'm out for attention.
• I don't want people to think they need to be careful around me - but at the same time, I feel unbelievably fragile.
• I want to do his laundry but somehow feel like I'm being disrespectful to him for even considering moving it.
• We used his room for a staging area for the big furniture that was moved from the Champaign house but I couldn't help feeling guilty for using "his space" for that. 
• Everyone talks about the guilt and/or regret that so many people have who are in this type of situation. Thankfully, so far, I haven't experienced that at all - but I feel guilty for not feeling it. (I told you this was twisted...)
• And there's more, but I'll spare you. 

I used to say that I was living day by day. My new life requires me to live moment by moment. I have been learning that I have to give myself grace, even if others don't at some point. I have to be okay with not being okay - and mean it. My life is different now. I am searching for the new normal because the old normal will never be normal again. 

All of this and I have Christ in my life. Don't even think about what my life would be like without Him! When I said earlier that the strength you see is not me, I meant it. That is the truth. As for me? I'm a mess. But what God does with that mess has been nothing short of a miracle. What you see is Him, not me. Please hear that...read it again...let it sink in. When speaking at Mario's Celebration of Life, at some point, I went completely off what I had prepared. I had no idea what I said. Literally I had to watch the video to see what came out of my mouth. That was not me. 

So many people say it is my faith that has gotten me through and I thought that was true. But it is not. Craig Grochele said the other day, "Don't put your faith in your faith. Put your faith in God." Whoa. It puts a different spin on things doesn't it? So, that means that instead of "hanging on to our faith", we should be hanging on to God. It is in that belief of God that our faith is made real.

(Inserting a little extra commentary here - 2/23/2016 - the other thing I have heard multiple times is about how I must be mad at God for taking Mario. I'd like to debunk that by saying I am not mad at God, nor have I ever been. It may sound crazy but I am incredibly thankful that God was merciful. Merciful? Yes. He was merciful in that He took Mario on impact. All evidence points to an instant death, on impact from the blunt force trauma. How is that merciful? That means he didn't suffer. He wasn't laying there in pain like some thought happened...all alone...out in the middle of a cornfield (by the time the car stopped). The first responders that I had the honor of meeting shared with me that when they got there, Mario looked as if he was asleep. No fear on his face. No pain. Just peacefully asleep. In my mind, there are a thousand or more ways that this could have ended. If it must happen, I'd much rather it be quick and painless. That, to me, is a merciful God at work. I'm not mad. I'm thankful for His grace and mercy.)

As the grieving process continues - as I suspect it will for a long time, know that your continued prayers, love, and support in various ways has made a difference. Thank you for your friendships, patience and kind words, your hugs and your smiles, for checking in on us and for loving us right where we are...even in the midst of the twisted mangle called the grieving process...

#aintstressin

#missingyou

Grieving is Twisted (Part I)

Getting close to the two year anniversary of Mario's death, I have noticed my mind and heart getting caught up in all of the feelings. Deciding to blog to "get it out of my head and onto a screen" (as I like to say) I noticed the blog post below that never was posted - on purpose. In fact, my feelings were running at such a high rate that there is a part 2. After reading through it all, my thought is that I could just say "ditto" and leave it at that. It's all relevant and it is as if I am starting to relive some of it again.

Please know that there is never a day or waking hour that Mario doesn't cross my mind for something. But this time of year brings a hypersensitivity with it apparently. I was hopeful it would just be the first year...I can confirm it is the second as well.

Although for whatever reason I was too afraid to post this six weeks after Mario's death, it's getting posted now. For anyone who is going through the grieving process anew, I hope it is helpful. A glimpse into my reality in April of 2014...(part 2 tomorrow)

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Grieving is twisted.

This blog post could close right there with that one sentence, those three little words, but I'll explain - if I can. 

Today marks the six week anniversary of that dreaded call from the Deputy Coroner who had been sitting outside the house in Champaign for well over an hour waiting for me to come "home", not realizing we had moved just three weeks earlier to Tuscola. She didn't want to deliver the news over the phone and hesitated many times before she shared that Mario was in an accident. It wasn't until I assured her that my husband was next to me that she finally said those words: "I'm so sorry. He did not survive." 

What the very kind Deputy Coroner didn't realize is that I already knew. I didn't know it for a fact, but I knew something wasn't right. Something inside me stirred and my heart dropped when I received a twitter notification from the local paper at 7:27 p.m. saying, "Police report an accident at Cardinal and Rising." I tried to reason with myself that Mario wouldn't go that way. He would take the interstate all the way to lacrosse practice. Then the internal wrestling began: "no, he wouldn't have known to do that. He would have taken familiar routes. Why would he do that? Why Rising? No, he would have just taken Staley. No, he could have taken Rising thinking it was a shortcut. I remember when he told me he thought it was a shortcut. What am I thinking? This is crazy. That isn't him. He would call if he was in an accident." 

A few minutes before 8 I gave in and sent him a text to ask if he made it; something I never do. No response. Again with the reasoning: practice started at 8. He isn't around his phone and that explains the unresponsiveness. More wrestling. When 9:30 rolled past on the clock and still no response even after practice should have been over, I reasoned he was a chatter box and loved to hang out after practice to talk and throw the ball around with his friends. But looking back, deep down, I knew. 

10:18 - Casting out the "bait" text telling him to invite his friend to supper to celebrate his birthday with us the next night, including in it a cautionary, "Get home safely" and seeing it turn green (meaning it is not connected to wireless or the phone is off - for iPhones), I knew. I knew but I tried to call anyway - it went straight to voice mail. I knew. Right after I told Greg we were going to wait this out, the phone rang. "NO ID". I knew. I'm pretty sure Greg knew too. And it was in that moment that life changed and the race was on to get in touch with our immediate family before the coroner's office had to release his name to the press who had already been out at the scene and showed footage of it on the 10 p.m. news. (So thankful we don't watch the news!) 

In the middle of the night, and into the wee hours of the morning, our house was flooded with the love and presence of Pastor Jerris and some of our closest friends. Even in the extreme emotional exhaustion, sleep did not come easy and when there was a momentary drift into sleep, my body would not allow it to continue and woke itself up with the groaning of the heart that escaped through my voice involuntarily. I cannot explain it - it was as if sound just overflowed from the breaking of my heart. 

For the next two weeks everything was on a foggy autopilot. There were momentary tears as the pain welled up but most of my waking hours were steeped in the details of getting his sister home from Spain, cemetery plots, obituaries, caskets, flowers, service information, clothes for him, clothes for us, and the list goes on...and continues to go on even to this day.  

And the grieving doesn't end there...

Taken Too Soon?

Over the last several days as many of you have joined together with my family and I to mourn the loss of my son Mario, we have taken comfort and gained a sense of peace in reading your notes to us, to Mario, and to others through various means, including social media. One of the things that has struck me that has been somewhat of a common theme is the expression that Mario was taken too soon; too young. If that is your line of thinking, I'd like to challenge you to see things a bit differently. 

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5. This verse is one that I have hung onto for many years and it seems even more applicable now than ever before. It has encouraged me that God knew me before I was ever created in my mother's body. He knew me and yet chose me despite the mistakes I would make, irregardless of my shortcomings, failures, and bad decisions. This scripture not only applies to me of course, but it applies to everyone. God knew who you were, the choices you would make, the good and the bad, and He chose you anyway. Think about it like this...we are talking about God here. Don't you think he had a choice? He literally made you. He could have picked any other mixture of personality traits, looks, etc., but He didn't...He chose you and I. Mario is no different. God chose him. 

The second part of that verse should not go unnoticed. "...before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." That sounds huge, right? Daunting even. Perhaps you are getting stuck on the part about being a "prophet to the nations." The definition of a prophet is someone who "speaks for a God or a deity, or by divine inspiration". Another definition is "a person regarded as, or claiming to be, an inspired teacher or leader." (dictionary.com) When you think of the word "nation" maybe you think of something on the scale of the United Nations but really a nation can be a body of people in your life. Those that are in your sphere of influence. 

When I was in the day-to-day life with Mario, there were glimpses of Mario being a prophet to nations as he taught friends about the love of Jesus, but on the back end of all of that, I can now see plainly that Mario was a prophet to his nations (read that: his peeps) through not only direct teaching, but also through his smile, his laugh, the way he accepted and befriended others. For me, Mario is a living, breathing example of Jeremiah 1:5. 

I'd like to challenge you with a few additional thoughts about Mario's life. His life had a purpose. There is no doubt in my mind about that. As his mother I am naturally inclined to think that his life was cut short and he was taken too soon. There are no words that sufficiently describe the absolute heartbreak I have felt since receiving the call on March 6th telling me my baby boy was in an accident and did not survive. Never before have I felt like my heart was literally breaking in my own body. Never before have I known the meaning of the term "gut wrenching" - where the pain is so tremendous that it literally takes you to your knees. There has been a very real and torturous physical pain that has occurred with the loss of my son. But through it all I have known with everything in me that Mario's life had a purpose and he served that purpose to the fullest extent. 

And I believe that this was all part of the plan: the timing of Mario's death, the people in his sphere of influence at this point in his life - and in the past, even the way that he died and where he died. Mario's death is not in vain. You want to know what the purpose of his life was? I wish I could show you the magnitude of the impact of his life as it is unfolding to us as his family after the fact. I wish I could share with you every letter, card, sign, email, phone call, post, text message, tweet, and conversation that I have had the privilege of experiencing that go well beyond the courtesy of a condolence and venture into the depths of Mario's impact in other's lives. We have been humbled and stunned by the love we have seen expressed through various means and floored by the over 700 people who took time to show their support and share their stories at Mario's visitation and service. I have always been proud of Mario but I have never been prouder of him than I am right now. And I am honored to have been chosen to be his "mamma". 

In my opinion, Mario wasn't taken too soon or too young. This was the way it was supposed to be. It was all in the plan - we just didn't know the plan. But here we are, in the midst of the bigger plan. God is in control. Let me say that again...God is in control. Believe that. 

"From birth I was cast on you; from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalms 22:10

The "It" in your "Blank"

In my life group we are going through a study together. (Enter shameless plug here for life groups / small groups: if you don't have one, you need to get one! Don't know what it is? Ask!) The topic isn't really relevant to this blog post but a question asked in the participant guide is the catalyst to the thoughts that follow.

Why do we think that if we accomplish _________, our lives will be better?

What is the "it" in your "blank"? Think about it and fill it in...

Why do we think that if...

...we become debt free...
...we lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...our kids will just behave...
...we can get our kids through college...
...we can just get past this project...
...we can get through this month...
...we can obtain that one special item...
...we can get the perfect job...
...we can find our soul mate...
...we can just get healthy...

...our lives will be better?

We really do focus on things like that, don't we? If I can just accomplish this one thing, everything else will fall into place and life will be great...right?

Most often when we are thinking along these lines we are focused on that one thing. We become obsessed with it. We are devoted to it. We are pursuing it. We alter our lives to make it our priority to achieve. Our lives revolve around it. We are energized by it. We want to be victorious over that one thing. We feel full of life as we chase the sense of fulfillment and completion.

All so our lives will be better.

But let's take another look. It could be said that even with the best of intentions, when we are focused and relying on our "it" to make our lives better, we are really idolizing it. When we idolize something we regard it with blind adoration and devotion. (So says dictionary.com) We are literally relying on our "it" to make our lives better. But should we? Or should be relying on God? You know Him...the One that hung the stars and moon in the sky...the One that controls the waves in the ocean...the One that chose you to be here right now in this time for a reason.

God. It is Him alone that we should be relying on. 

In reality, if we achieve the "it" in our "blank", will our lives really be better? Will everything else just fall into place somehow? Will things just be perfect from that point on with no issues after that? Of course not. What we will find is that there is a list of "its" just waiting to fill in the blank. We will literally just continue to move from one thing to another, our focus and passions shifting under the persuasion of the ever changing winds of life. Nothing will ever feel settled.

The core of the matter is that while we are so focused, so passionate, so intertwined in our "it", there is no longer room for the One that our heart really cries for. Our list of "its" literally distract us from seeking Jesus in our lives. That, my friends, is by design. The enemy uses tactics like this to keep us from obtaining an intimate relationship with Christ. It is startling to think about, isn't it?


So what if we changed that a little bit? What if we take all of that effort, energy, passion and focus, and turn it to pursing God instead of the "it" of what fills our "blank"? What if we focus on feeding into an intimate relationship with Christ? What would our lives look like? I believe that while we always have room to grow and learn and better ourselves in different areas of our lives, if we focus and pursue a deep and passionate relationship with Jesus, He will help us accomplish the "its" on our list. In fact, He will show us the "its" that we may not even realize are in our lives. The beauty is that it is THROUGH Christ that we will have the WISDOM and STRENGTH to be victorious in those things in our lives.

Ephesians 4 talks about the unity and maturity in the body of Christ. Verses 11 - 14 explains how Christ gave the apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers to equip God's people for service so the body of Christ will be built up to the point of being mature in our knowledge and faith, "attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming."

We will be able to...

...become debt free...

...lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...see our kids behave...
...get our kids through college...
...get past this project...
...get through this month...
...obtain that one special item...
...get the perfect job...
...find our soul mate...
...get healthy...

...if that is what God has planned for us. When we have that connection with the Author of our lives, we begin to know what it is that He wants for us. We are in tune with His Spirit. We trust His guidance and direction. We are willing to step out in a blind faith, adoration and devotion to Him. Yes, we are idolizing the King of Kings. Our desire should be to want His will in our lives.

Will everything in our lives be perfect? Oh, heck no. Why not? Because the enemy is not going to sit idly by and let that relationship happen without putting up a fight. And you can EXPECT a fight. It is spiritual warfare.

But here is the thing, when we focus on, and pour into, our relationship with Christ, we know that we could not be in better company, under better direction, better protected, or more loved. Over time it is inevitable that our finances will change, our secular relationships will change, our jobs, health, and list of "its" will change. But God never will. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8 That is something that we can count on.

So why put your focus, passion and energy into your "it" list when you could put your focus, passion and energy into the Creator of the Universe who will never change, who created you to love Him, who has a purpose for your life, who loves you unconditionally, who is your provider, and who is the source of your existence? It's not too late to change your focus...

Lord, it is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day mess of life that distracts us from focusing on You. Help bring me back to You in everything I do. I want to be completely focused on You, turning all control of everything else over to Your more than capable hands. Take my "it" list and have Your way with it. I am filling in the "blank" of my life with You because I know in doing so, my life will be the best that it can be according to Your will. I don't want to be anywhere else...

What if you were Noah?

Towards the beginning of the year (yep, just a month ago) I started thinking about what it would be like to have been some of the people in the Bible. Haven't you ever thought about that? Surely I'm not the only one! Nahhhhhh.

When I was a little girl I remember listening to a Bill Cosby album (you know, the big round things that you put on the record player) at Dad and Connie's house. As I was thinking about the stories in the Bible, I was reminded of this one particular skit that Bill Cosby did on one of his albums regarding Noah. I have attached a video of that skit here as it's now on youtube: http://youtu.be/bputeFGXEjA It is a total classic! And if you haven't seen EvanAlmighty, maybe you should.

Lets bring the story in today's day and say since I just bought my house a year ago that I'm doing some upgrades and cutting some wood out in the garage. (Uh huh...scary thought that I know how to use a saw, isn't it? I hear ya!) Then I hear this voice over the saw. Even though in my real daily life God's voice is that "ever still voice", I don't imagine that this would be the case here...because you know that saws can be pretty doggon loud! So maybe his voice is much like Cosby depicted in the skit; deep, clear and booming.

God calls out my name; "Celeste!" Or do you think he would call me that? Maybe he'd use my home name, "Michelle!" Or perhaps just for the delight of my MC friends, he'd say, "Mookie!" Ok...probably not. We'll roll with Michelle. God's incredibly deep, commanding, booming voice heard over the saw: "Michelle!"

Hmmm...maybe we should step away from Cosby's version and look at what it says in the Bible. You can find the story of Noah in the very first book of the Bible: Genesis, chapter 6, starting in verse 8 (Genesis 6:8). It says here that Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Oh to have been Noah! My first instinct is to say that I would NEVER have that type of grace from God! But we all get to have the grace from God, so we should all be glad about that. In my situation, very undeserved, but man, I'll take it with gladness!

If you look down in verse 13 you'll see that God explains to Noah (me, in this rendition) that there is much violence on earth and because of that, His plan was to "end all flesh" by using the earth to destroy them. Yikes! I've been let in on some doozie secrets before, but this takes the cake! In that moment I take a deep breath and can't help but hold it, thinking of my family...my kids...their families...my friends. I feel panic stricken at the thought of what God is about to do.

(I might think about the dog, cat, chinchilla and lizard as a second thought but don't tell them.) ;-)

The Lord goes on giving directions about building the ark and how to do that. They are pretty detailed and being a note taker, I am furiously writing all the information down as quick as I can. I don't want to waste the Lord's time!

God then shares a little more information on how He is going to destroy all living beings...with a flood that He is going to bring on. He emphasises that everything that is on the earth is going to die. Now, this is almost like torture because all I can think about are the people that I love. They have no idea what is about to come their way and I can't tell them because I can't give away God's secret! He will obviously know...He is God! What a quandary!

And then this happened, God explains to me that he is going to make a covenant with me. (A covenant is typically a formal agreement between two or more people about doing or not doing something.) Essentially, if I build the ark, I will be able to bring my children, my spouse, and the spouse of my children with me on the ark. My exhale is audible as the initial relief of leaving behind my kids emits itself from my body. In fact, I almost miss the rest of God's instructions to collect two of each kind of living thing and bring it onto the ark.

What a curious thing. Two of each kind of creature. How am I going to do that? Logistically, how is that even possible? Just as I try to figure out how to control the situation I hear the words from my God who is the God of all: "...will come to you to keep them alive." Ohhhh! Ok! Got it! Have you ever wondered about that...how did Noah get them all together? For years I missed the part about them going to Noah.

Once all of the animals and my family were on the ark, we did not close the doors...the Lord shut them in. What an amazing sight to see. That huge door being shut so we would all be safe...being shut at the hand of God Himself! Gently it closes and the rain begins to fall, just as the Lord said it would. With the same gentle hand that shut us in to the ark, the same hand brought down the wrath of 40 days and 40 nights of rains and flood, killing every living thing outside of the ark.

I am humbled by God's mercy. And humbled again at God's ability to make a wind pass over the earth, as if He just blew across the earth with his own breath, or perhaps He was sighing, and the rain stopped, the water receded, and the ark rested on ground after seven months. That is a long time but who isn't willing to wait on God for that deliverance? And during that time, the main thing that we had to do was to worship the God who had saved us from the wrath that everyone else had endured. The worship was deep, constant and beautiful beyond words.

Once off of the ark and back on land I became a farmer and planted a vineyard. Ultimately, I lived to be 950 years old! Looking good for my age, aren't I? :-)

This is just one of many stories in the Bible. As you explore the excitement and thrill of God's stories, remember that they are true but don't forget to ask yourself how you would have handled that situation had it been you. Maybe we'll take a look at another story sometime soon.

If you were Noah, what would you have done?

Lord, I thank You for Your mercy and the grace that You provide to each of us each day. We thank You that You have promised to not provide a flood again because I have no idea what a "cubit" is or if I would even be able to find gopherwood like that! I don't know that Lowe's carries that! :-) But I thank You that You are willing to use each one of us despite our failures, despite who we think we are, despite our lack of attention to You, Lord. But instead, You know what it is that we need, when we need it, and provide in ways that we don't even always see. We thank You for Your gentle touch and for Your wrath as it is surely warranted. We thank You for Your unending and unconditional love each and every day. We honor You for who You are: our God.

In the pursuit of...

This morning the pastor of NewSpring Church in South Carolina, Perry Noble, posted a blog titled: "You Probably Should Not Date Him If...". (http://www.perrynoble.com/2012/02/01/you-probably-should-not-date-him-if/) Perry has an awesome way of putting things out there in a real way that is typically rather humorous so he has one of the few blogs that I subscribe to.  

After reading the post this morning, I have been pondering the first thought of being pursued and how guys should never tire of pursuing the woman that he wants to be with. Blame the adventurous side of me (or is it the female side of me?) but there is something about the thought of being pursued by a man of integrity, who is loyal, and knows that it is "me" that he wants that kicks the harlequin gears into drive. (And I don't read harlequin books - for the record!)

While still feeling dreamy about the thought of actually being pursued I realized that there is a lot of talk and obligation for a man to pursue a woman, but there isn't much definition around what that "pursuit" looks like. Before your mind goes there, don't even think that I'm going to try to define it here because I probably wouldn't know it if it hit me upside the head! That is real talk. :-) Instead, I can tell you what it is not.

Before doing that though, perhaps we should get a good definition of what it is just for fun and for comparisons sake. From dictionary.com we know that Pursuit is "an effort to attain; a quest", or "any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly or customarily". I will admit, I LOVE the word "quest"! (That darn adventurous side!) Ok...now that we are squarely planted on the dictionary version of it, lets talk about what it is not.

A man pursuing a woman is not continually trying to get in touch with her every few months even when you've been asked to leave her alone. No means no.

A man pursuing a woman is not the same as a man stalking the woman. (Hint: if you have had an order of protection placed against you by the woman, you are now in stalker mode, not pursuing, and you need to stop!)

A man pursuing a woman is not someone who expresses himself once and disappears because her level of interest wasn't the same, or wasn't what was expected. Give it some time. Continue to be her friend. Just continue to get to know each other and see what happens.

A man pursuing a woman is not a one-time scenario of wanting a commitment from her. This isn't a game of Deal or No Deal. Again, give it some time.

A man does not truly pursue a woman if he is using middle-men. You know what I mean. That old school stuff. "Tell her that I like her and see what she says."

A man pursuing a woman is not a man who calls himself trying to pursue multiple women at the same time to see which one works out first. (Yes, you have to put all your eggs in the same basket to truly be pursuing a woman.)

A man pursuing a woman does not rely on gifts to tell the tale. He begins to write his own story with her through his own actions and behaviors.

So maybe that brings us back to what it is like to be the man pursuing a woman. As I said before, as the pursuer you are a man of integrity, loyal, patient, kind, willing to explore and get to know each other, can look her square in the eyes and have a decent conversation, is committed to putting in whatever time it takes, is adventurous, is willing to go on a "quest", and knows how to "write" a good story.

Now, what that looks like from one person to the next, I have no idea. But that is what it feels like in the heart when I think about it.

What do you think?