This morning I realized that it is with Mario's death that I have been given new eyes to read scripture with a new and very different perspective. I am finding that there is a longing to understand scripture in a much different way. As I read through my devotions, the lessons seem to resonate at a deeper level and are applied to my life with more meaning. It has become personal.
I'm finding that I want to understand what Mario may be experiencing right now in Heaven, what he experienced in his death as he entered Heaven, how God sees each of us and how he saw Mario during his 17 years of life here on earth. It has been humbling to learn at a much more real and personal way that God provides for us by means that we often don't even recognize. A recent discovery that struck my core: Jesus intercedes on our behalf and the Holy Spirit does the same.
((Side note: Who better to pray for us than Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I could stop right there and just let that simmer...and I am in awe of it...Jesus, the one that was mocked, savagely beaten and hung on a cross to die for me and you - he intercedes on my behalf to the God of the universe - the same God that made you and me. Seriously, that is huge...and it is humbling!))
Since Mario's death, the actual inner workings of the Spiritual realm have become clearer and more prominent in the things read and heard. This is becoming so much so that it motivates an earlier than usual rise in the morning, a thirst for greater understanding of all things spiritual, and is producing in me a very different perspective around what is truly important in life.
I am by no means perfect in these things but rather have become more sensitive to the promptings and lessons of the Spirit...something I don't think would have happened had it not been for Mario's death. As such, I stand firm in the belief that Mario's death was not in vain.
It can easily be said that in Mario's death, he not only still lives, but he is quite possibly more alive than ever before.
God is brilliant.
"The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, He will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you." Romans 8:11
"Because Jesus lives forever, His priesthood lasts forever. Therefore He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf." Hebrews 7:24-25
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Grieving is Twisted (Part II)
In my mind it is expected that as time goes on, things would be better. The pain of grieving would decrease. After all, isn't there a saying that time heals all wounds? Oh what a fool I was to think that.
Many of you have expressed how strong I have been through all of this. With desperation I want you to know that the strength you see is not me. Never would I want someone to see my life and my grieving process and think that there is something wrong with them for not grieving in the same way. You need to know that everyone grieves differently, at different paces even.
What you need to know is that I still cry...daily...without fail. Even in the firm belief that Mario is in Heaven, is safe, is happy, and is way better off than I can imagine - I miss him. In the midst of an emotional moment this week I tweeted exactly what I felt as if it were a new discovery for me: "It is not in his death that I am sad. It's the inability to touch him, hold him, talk to him & laugh w/ him that is torturous." Truth.
And there it is. My new reality. A new reality that is hard to grasp, hard to make sense of. Sometimes reality hits at the strangest times. And sometimes as I stare reality in its face, it oddly feels like it is not reality at all. Things are still surreal.
Over the past six weeks I have tried to set the table for 5, instead of 4. I have had confusion when signing a birthday card to someone from our family and getting stuck when it would have been the place to write Mario's name - I simply didn't know what to do. I have tried to make arrangements for him to get a ride home as that would normally be the case in the scenario at the time. His supper was mentally planned multiple times because what we were having wouldn't be something he would want. My parents, Greg and I sat in silence, head bowed, holding hands, all waiting for Mario to say the prayer before supper like he always did - before realizing someone else was going to have to say it. I've headed to his bedroom to say hello to him when I got home from work, to say goodnight before going to bed, and to wake him up in the morning. I have put some of his favorite "standard" grocery items in the cart before realizing it - and put it back because no one else will eat it. The moments like these seem never-ending.
How twisted is the grieving process? Very.
Many of you have expressed how strong I have been through all of this. With desperation I want you to know that the strength you see is not me. Never would I want someone to see my life and my grieving process and think that there is something wrong with them for not grieving in the same way. You need to know that everyone grieves differently, at different paces even.
What you need to know is that I still cry...daily...without fail. Even in the firm belief that Mario is in Heaven, is safe, is happy, and is way better off than I can imagine - I miss him. In the midst of an emotional moment this week I tweeted exactly what I felt as if it were a new discovery for me: "It is not in his death that I am sad. It's the inability to touch him, hold him, talk to him & laugh w/ him that is torturous." Truth.
And there it is. My new reality. A new reality that is hard to grasp, hard to make sense of. Sometimes reality hits at the strangest times. And sometimes as I stare reality in its face, it oddly feels like it is not reality at all. Things are still surreal.
Over the past six weeks I have tried to set the table for 5, instead of 4. I have had confusion when signing a birthday card to someone from our family and getting stuck when it would have been the place to write Mario's name - I simply didn't know what to do. I have tried to make arrangements for him to get a ride home as that would normally be the case in the scenario at the time. His supper was mentally planned multiple times because what we were having wouldn't be something he would want. My parents, Greg and I sat in silence, head bowed, holding hands, all waiting for Mario to say the prayer before supper like he always did - before realizing someone else was going to have to say it. I've headed to his bedroom to say hello to him when I got home from work, to say goodnight before going to bed, and to wake him up in the morning. I have put some of his favorite "standard" grocery items in the cart before realizing it - and put it back because no one else will eat it. The moments like these seem never-ending.
How twisted is the grieving process? Very.
- I feel as though I somehow need to be strong for everyone else.
- I feel weak for crying...and even more so when the tears begin to flow without my permission or control.
- I don't want to talk about Mario's death because I don't want people to get tired of hearing about it and get irritated with me talking about it. But I think about it non-stop.
- I want to hang pictures up of him that we received already framed...but don't want people to think I'm setting up some sort of a shrine or something.
- I want to share stories about Mario often - and always have done that - but now find myself hesitating because again, I don't want people to think I'm completely obsessed and unable to move on.
- I want to wear the shirts that his friends at the high schools made to honor him - but don't want people to think I'm out for attention.
- I don't want people to think they need to be careful around me - but at the same time, I feel unbelievably fragile.
- I want to do his laundry but somehow feel like I'm being disrespectful to him for even considering moving it.
- We used his room for a staging area for the big furniture that was moved from the Champaign house but I couldn't help feeling guilty for using "his space" for that.
- Everyone talks about the guilt and/or regret that so many people have who are in this type of situation. Thankfully, so far, I haven't experienced that at all - but I feel guilty for not feeling it. (I told you this was twisted...)
- And there's more, but I'll spare you.
I used to say that I was living day by day. My new life requires me to live moment by moment. I have been learning that I have to give myself grace, even if others don't at some point. I have to be okay with not being okay - and mean it. My life is different now. I am searching for the new normal because the old normal will never be normal again.
All of this and I have Christ in my life. Don't even think about what my life would be like without Him! When I said earlier that the strength you see is not me, I meant it. That is the truth. As for me? I'm a mess. But what God does with that mess has been nothing short of a miracle. What you see is Him, not me. Please hear that...read it again...let it sink in. When speaking at Mario's Celebration of Life, at some point, I went completely off what I had prepared. I had no idea what I said. Literally I had to watch the video to see what came out of my mouth. That was not me.
So many people say it is my faith that has gotten me through and I thought that was true. But it is not. Craig Grochele said the other day, "Don't put your faith in your faith. Put your faith in God." Whoa. It puts a different spin on things doesn't it? So, that means that instead of "hanging on to our faith", we should be hanging on to God. It is in that belief of God that our faith is made real.
(Inserting a little extra commentary here - 2/23/2016 - the other thing I have heard multiple times is about how I must be mad at God for taking Mario. I'd like to debunk that by saying I am not mad at God, nor have I ever been. It may sound crazy but I am incredibly thankful that God was merciful. Merciful? Yes. He was merciful in that He took Mario on impact. All evidence points to an instant death, on impact from the blunt force trauma. How is that merciful? That means he didn't suffer. He wasn't laying there in pain like some thought happened...all alone...out in the middle of a cornfield (by the time the car stopped). The first responders that I had the honor of meeting shared with me that when they got there, Mario looked as if he was asleep. No fear on his face. No pain. Just peacefully asleep. In my mind, there are a thousand or more ways that this could have ended. If it must happen, I'd much rather it be quick and painless. That, to me, is a merciful God at work. I'm not mad. I'm thankful for His grace and mercy.)
(Inserting a little extra commentary here - 2/23/2016 - the other thing I have heard multiple times is about how I must be mad at God for taking Mario. I'd like to debunk that by saying I am not mad at God, nor have I ever been. It may sound crazy but I am incredibly thankful that God was merciful. Merciful? Yes. He was merciful in that He took Mario on impact. All evidence points to an instant death, on impact from the blunt force trauma. How is that merciful? That means he didn't suffer. He wasn't laying there in pain like some thought happened...all alone...out in the middle of a cornfield (by the time the car stopped). The first responders that I had the honor of meeting shared with me that when they got there, Mario looked as if he was asleep. No fear on his face. No pain. Just peacefully asleep. In my mind, there are a thousand or more ways that this could have ended. If it must happen, I'd much rather it be quick and painless. That, to me, is a merciful God at work. I'm not mad. I'm thankful for His grace and mercy.)
As the grieving process continues - as I suspect it will for a long time, know that your continued prayers, love, and support in various ways has made a difference. Thank you for your friendships, patience and kind words, your hugs and your smiles, for checking in on us and for loving us right where we are...even in the midst of the twisted mangle called the grieving process...
#aintstressin
#missingyou
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Grieving is Twisted (Part I)
Getting close to the two year anniversary of Mario's death, I have noticed my mind and heart getting caught up in all of the feelings. Deciding to blog to "get it out of my head and onto a screen" (as I like to say) I noticed the blog post below that never was posted - on purpose. In fact, my feelings were running at such a high rate that there is a part 2. After reading through it all, my thought is that I could just say "ditto" and leave it at that. It's all relevant and it is as if I am starting to relive some of it again.
Please know that there is never a day or waking hour that Mario doesn't cross my mind for something. But this time of year brings a hypersensitivity with it apparently. I was hopeful it would just be the first year...I can confirm it is the second as well.
Although for whatever reason I was too afraid to post this six weeks after Mario's death, it's getting posted now. For anyone who is going through the grieving process anew, I hope it is helpful. A glimpse into my reality in April of 2014...(part 2 tomorrow)
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Grieving is twisted.
Please know that there is never a day or waking hour that Mario doesn't cross my mind for something. But this time of year brings a hypersensitivity with it apparently. I was hopeful it would just be the first year...I can confirm it is the second as well.
Although for whatever reason I was too afraid to post this six weeks after Mario's death, it's getting posted now. For anyone who is going through the grieving process anew, I hope it is helpful. A glimpse into my reality in April of 2014...(part 2 tomorrow)
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Grieving is twisted.
This blog post could close right there with that one sentence, those three little words, but I'll explain - if I can.
Today marks the six week anniversary of that dreaded call from the Deputy Coroner who had been sitting outside the house in Champaign for well over an hour waiting for me to come "home", not realizing we had moved just three weeks earlier to Tuscola. She didn't want to deliver the news over the phone and hesitated many times before she shared that Mario was in an accident. It wasn't until I assured her that my husband was next to me that she finally said those words: "I'm so sorry. He did not survive."
What the very kind Deputy Coroner didn't realize is that I already knew. I didn't know it for a fact, but I knew something wasn't right. Something inside me stirred and my heart dropped when I received a twitter notification from the local paper at 7:27 p.m. saying, "Police report an accident at Cardinal and Rising." I tried to reason with myself that Mario wouldn't go that way. He would take the interstate all the way to lacrosse practice. Then the internal wrestling began: "no, he wouldn't have known to do that. He would have taken familiar routes. Why would he do that? Why Rising? No, he would have just taken Staley. No, he could have taken Rising thinking it was a shortcut. I remember when he told me he thought it was a shortcut. What am I thinking? This is crazy. That isn't him. He would call if he was in an accident."
A few minutes before 8 I gave in and sent him a text to ask if he made it; something I never do. No response. Again with the reasoning: practice started at 8. He isn't around his phone and that explains the unresponsiveness. More wrestling. When 9:30 rolled past on the clock and still no response even after practice should have been over, I reasoned he was a chatter box and loved to hang out after practice to talk and throw the ball around with his friends. But looking back, deep down, I knew.
10:18 - Casting out the "bait" text telling him to invite his friend to supper to celebrate his birthday with us the next night, including in it a cautionary, "Get home safely" and seeing it turn green (meaning it is not connected to wireless or the phone is off - for iPhones), I knew. I knew but I tried to call anyway - it went straight to voice mail. I knew. Right after I told Greg we were going to wait this out, the phone rang. "NO ID". I knew. I'm pretty sure Greg knew too. And it was in that moment that life changed and the race was on to get in touch with our immediate family before the coroner's office had to release his name to the press who had already been out at the scene and showed footage of it on the 10 p.m. news. (So thankful we don't watch the news!)
In the middle of the night, and into the wee hours of the morning, our house was flooded with the love and presence of Pastor Jerris and some of our closest friends. Even in the extreme emotional exhaustion, sleep did not come easy and when there was a momentary drift into sleep, my body would not allow it to continue and woke itself up with the groaning of the heart that escaped through my voice involuntarily. I cannot explain it - it was as if sound just overflowed from the breaking of my heart.
For the next two weeks everything was on a foggy autopilot. There were momentary tears as the pain welled up but most of my waking hours were steeped in the details of getting his sister home from Spain, cemetery plots, obituaries, caskets, flowers, service information, clothes for him, clothes for us, and the list goes on...and continues to go on even to this day.
And the grieving doesn't end there...
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Taken Too Soon?
Over the last several days as many of you have joined together with my family and I to mourn the loss of my son Mario, we have taken comfort and gained a sense of peace in reading your notes to us, to Mario, and to others through various means, including social media. One of the things that has struck me that has been somewhat of a common theme is the expression that Mario was taken too soon; too young. If that is your line of thinking, I'd like to challenge you to see things a bit differently.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5. This verse is one that I have hung onto for many years and it seems even more applicable now than ever before. It has encouraged me that God knew me before I was ever created in my mother's body. He knew me and yet chose me despite the mistakes I would make, irregardless of my shortcomings, failures, and bad decisions. This scripture not only applies to me of course, but it applies to everyone. God knew who you were, the choices you would make, the good and the bad, and He chose you anyway. Think about it like this...we are talking about God here. Don't you think he had a choice? He literally made you. He could have picked any other mixture of personality traits, looks, etc., but He didn't...He chose you and I. Mario is no different. God chose him.
The second part of that verse should not go unnoticed. "...before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." That sounds huge, right? Daunting even. Perhaps you are getting stuck on the part about being a "prophet to the nations." The definition of a prophet is someone who "speaks for a God or a deity, or by divine inspiration". Another definition is "a person regarded as, or claiming to be, an inspired teacher or leader." (dictionary.com) When you think of the word "nation" maybe you think of something on the scale of the United Nations but really a nation can be a body of people in your life. Those that are in your sphere of influence.
When I was in the day-to-day life with Mario, there were glimpses of Mario being a prophet to nations as he taught friends about the love of Jesus, but on the back end of all of that, I can now see plainly that Mario was a prophet to his nations (read that: his peeps) through not only direct teaching, but also through his smile, his laugh, the way he accepted and befriended others. For me, Mario is a living, breathing example of Jeremiah 1:5.
I'd like to challenge you with a few additional thoughts about Mario's life. His life had a purpose. There is no doubt in my mind about that. As his mother I am naturally inclined to think that his life was cut short and he was taken too soon. There are no words that sufficiently describe the absolute heartbreak I have felt since receiving the call on March 6th telling me my baby boy was in an accident and did not survive. Never before have I felt like my heart was literally breaking in my own body. Never before have I known the meaning of the term "gut wrenching" - where the pain is so tremendous that it literally takes you to your knees. There has been a very real and torturous physical pain that has occurred with the loss of my son. But through it all I have known with everything in me that Mario's life had a purpose and he served that purpose to the fullest extent.
And I believe that this was all part of the plan: the timing of Mario's death, the people in his sphere of influence at this point in his life - and in the past, even the way that he died and where he died. Mario's death is not in vain. You want to know what the purpose of his life was? I wish I could show you the magnitude of the impact of his life as it is unfolding to us as his family after the fact. I wish I could share with you every letter, card, sign, email, phone call, post, text message, tweet, and conversation that I have had the privilege of experiencing that go well beyond the courtesy of a condolence and venture into the depths of Mario's impact in other's lives. We have been humbled and stunned by the love we have seen expressed through various means and floored by the over 700 people who took time to show their support and share their stories at Mario's visitation and service. I have always been proud of Mario but I have never been prouder of him than I am right now. And I am honored to have been chosen to be his "mamma".
In my opinion, Mario wasn't taken too soon or too young. This was the way it was supposed to be. It was all in the plan - we just didn't know the plan. But here we are, in the midst of the bigger plan. God is in control. Let me say that again...God is in control. Believe that.
"From birth I was cast on you; from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalms 22:10
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5. This verse is one that I have hung onto for many years and it seems even more applicable now than ever before. It has encouraged me that God knew me before I was ever created in my mother's body. He knew me and yet chose me despite the mistakes I would make, irregardless of my shortcomings, failures, and bad decisions. This scripture not only applies to me of course, but it applies to everyone. God knew who you were, the choices you would make, the good and the bad, and He chose you anyway. Think about it like this...we are talking about God here. Don't you think he had a choice? He literally made you. He could have picked any other mixture of personality traits, looks, etc., but He didn't...He chose you and I. Mario is no different. God chose him.
The second part of that verse should not go unnoticed. "...before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." That sounds huge, right? Daunting even. Perhaps you are getting stuck on the part about being a "prophet to the nations." The definition of a prophet is someone who "speaks for a God or a deity, or by divine inspiration". Another definition is "a person regarded as, or claiming to be, an inspired teacher or leader." (dictionary.com) When you think of the word "nation" maybe you think of something on the scale of the United Nations but really a nation can be a body of people in your life. Those that are in your sphere of influence.
When I was in the day-to-day life with Mario, there were glimpses of Mario being a prophet to nations as he taught friends about the love of Jesus, but on the back end of all of that, I can now see plainly that Mario was a prophet to his nations (read that: his peeps) through not only direct teaching, but also through his smile, his laugh, the way he accepted and befriended others. For me, Mario is a living, breathing example of Jeremiah 1:5.
I'd like to challenge you with a few additional thoughts about Mario's life. His life had a purpose. There is no doubt in my mind about that. As his mother I am naturally inclined to think that his life was cut short and he was taken too soon. There are no words that sufficiently describe the absolute heartbreak I have felt since receiving the call on March 6th telling me my baby boy was in an accident and did not survive. Never before have I felt like my heart was literally breaking in my own body. Never before have I known the meaning of the term "gut wrenching" - where the pain is so tremendous that it literally takes you to your knees. There has been a very real and torturous physical pain that has occurred with the loss of my son. But through it all I have known with everything in me that Mario's life had a purpose and he served that purpose to the fullest extent.
And I believe that this was all part of the plan: the timing of Mario's death, the people in his sphere of influence at this point in his life - and in the past, even the way that he died and where he died. Mario's death is not in vain. You want to know what the purpose of his life was? I wish I could show you the magnitude of the impact of his life as it is unfolding to us as his family after the fact. I wish I could share with you every letter, card, sign, email, phone call, post, text message, tweet, and conversation that I have had the privilege of experiencing that go well beyond the courtesy of a condolence and venture into the depths of Mario's impact in other's lives. We have been humbled and stunned by the love we have seen expressed through various means and floored by the over 700 people who took time to show their support and share their stories at Mario's visitation and service. I have always been proud of Mario but I have never been prouder of him than I am right now. And I am honored to have been chosen to be his "mamma".
In my opinion, Mario wasn't taken too soon or too young. This was the way it was supposed to be. It was all in the plan - we just didn't know the plan. But here we are, in the midst of the bigger plan. God is in control. Let me say that again...God is in control. Believe that.
"From birth I was cast on you; from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalms 22:10
Monday, May 27, 2013
The "It" in your "Blank"
In my life group we are going through a study together. (Enter shameless plug here for life groups / small groups: if you don't have one, you need to get one! Don't know what it is? Ask!) The topic isn't really relevant to this blog post but a question asked in the participant guide is the catalyst to the thoughts that follow.
Why do we think that if we accomplish _________, our lives will be better?
What is the "it" in your "blank"? Think about it and fill it in...
Why do we think that if...
...we become debt free...
...we lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...our kids will just behave...
...we can get our kids through college...
...we can just get past this project...
...we can get through this month...
...we can obtain that one special item...
...we can get the perfect job...
...we can find our soul mate...
...we can just get healthy...
...our lives will be better?
We really do focus on things like that, don't we? If I can just accomplish this one thing, everything else will fall into place and life will be great...right?
Most often when we are thinking along these lines we are focused on that one thing. We become obsessed with it. We are devoted to it. We are pursuing it. We alter our lives to make it our priority to achieve. Our lives revolve around it. We are energized by it. We want to be victorious over that one thing. We feel full of life as we chase the sense of fulfillment and completion.
All so our lives will be better.
But let's take another look. It could be said that even with the best of intentions, when we are focused and relying on our "it" to make our lives better, we are really idolizing it. When we idolize something we regard it with blind adoration and devotion. (So says dictionary.com) We are literally relying on our "it" to make our lives better. But should we? Or should be relying on God? You know Him...the One that hung the stars and moon in the sky...the One that controls the waves in the ocean...the One that chose you to be here right now in this time for a reason.
God. It is Him alone that we should be relying on.
In reality, if we achieve the "it" in our "blank", will our lives really be better? Will everything else just fall into place somehow? Will things just be perfect from that point on with no issues after that? Of course not. What we will find is that there is a list of "its" just waiting to fill in the blank. We will literally just continue to move from one thing to another, our focus and passions shifting under the persuasion of the ever changing winds of life. Nothing will ever feel settled.
The core of the matter is that while we are so focused, so passionate, so intertwined in our "it", there is no longer room for the One that our heart really cries for. Our list of "its" literally distract us from seeking Jesus in our lives. That, my friends, is by design. The enemy uses tactics like this to keep us from obtaining an intimate relationship with Christ. It is startling to think about, isn't it?
So what if we changed that a little bit? What if we take all of that effort, energy, passion and focus, and turn it to pursing God instead of the "it" of what fills our "blank"? What if we focus on feeding into an intimate relationship with Christ? What would our lives look like? I believe that while we always have room to grow and learn and better ourselves in different areas of our lives, if we focus and pursue a deep and passionate relationship with Jesus, He will help us accomplish the "its" on our list. In fact, He will show us the "its" that we may not even realize are in our lives. The beauty is that it is THROUGH Christ that we will have the WISDOM and STRENGTH to be victorious in those things in our lives.
Ephesians 4 talks about the unity and maturity in the body of Christ. Verses 11 - 14 explains how Christ gave the apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers to equip God's people for service so the body of Christ will be built up to the point of being mature in our knowledge and faith, "attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming."
We will be able to...
...become debt free...
...lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...see our kids behave...
...get our kids through college...
...get past this project...
...get through this month...
...obtain that one special item...
...get the perfect job...
...find our soul mate...
...get healthy...
...if that is what God has planned for us. When we have that connection with the Author of our lives, we begin to know what it is that He wants for us. We are in tune with His Spirit. We trust His guidance and direction. We are willing to step out in a blind faith, adoration and devotion to Him. Yes, we are idolizing the King of Kings. Our desire should be to want His will in our lives.
Will everything in our lives be perfect? Oh, heck no. Why not? Because the enemy is not going to sit idly by and let that relationship happen without putting up a fight. And you can EXPECT a fight. It is spiritual warfare.
But here is the thing, when we focus on, and pour into, our relationship with Christ, we know that we could not be in better company, under better direction, better protected, or more loved. Over time it is inevitable that our finances will change, our secular relationships will change, our jobs, health, and list of "its" will change. But God never will. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8 That is something that we can count on.
So why put your focus, passion and energy into your "it" list when you could put your focus, passion and energy into the Creator of the Universe who will never change, who created you to love Him, who has a purpose for your life, who loves you unconditionally, who is your provider, and who is the source of your existence? It's not too late to change your focus...
Lord, it is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day mess of life that distracts us from focusing on You. Help bring me back to You in everything I do. I want to be completely focused on You, turning all control of everything else over to Your more than capable hands. Take my "it" list and have Your way with it. I am filling in the "blank" of my life with You because I know in doing so, my life will be the best that it can be according to Your will. I don't want to be anywhere else...
Why do we think that if we accomplish _________, our lives will be better?
What is the "it" in your "blank"? Think about it and fill it in...
Why do we think that if...
...we become debt free...
...we lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...our kids will just behave...
...we can get our kids through college...
...we can just get past this project...
...we can get through this month...
...we can obtain that one special item...
...we can get the perfect job...
...we can find our soul mate...
...we can just get healthy...
...our lives will be better?
We really do focus on things like that, don't we? If I can just accomplish this one thing, everything else will fall into place and life will be great...right?
Most often when we are thinking along these lines we are focused on that one thing. We become obsessed with it. We are devoted to it. We are pursuing it. We alter our lives to make it our priority to achieve. Our lives revolve around it. We are energized by it. We want to be victorious over that one thing. We feel full of life as we chase the sense of fulfillment and completion.
All so our lives will be better.
But let's take another look. It could be said that even with the best of intentions, when we are focused and relying on our "it" to make our lives better, we are really idolizing it. When we idolize something we regard it with blind adoration and devotion. (So says dictionary.com) We are literally relying on our "it" to make our lives better. But should we? Or should be relying on God? You know Him...the One that hung the stars and moon in the sky...the One that controls the waves in the ocean...the One that chose you to be here right now in this time for a reason.
God. It is Him alone that we should be relying on.
In reality, if we achieve the "it" in our "blank", will our lives really be better? Will everything else just fall into place somehow? Will things just be perfect from that point on with no issues after that? Of course not. What we will find is that there is a list of "its" just waiting to fill in the blank. We will literally just continue to move from one thing to another, our focus and passions shifting under the persuasion of the ever changing winds of life. Nothing will ever feel settled.
The core of the matter is that while we are so focused, so passionate, so intertwined in our "it", there is no longer room for the One that our heart really cries for. Our list of "its" literally distract us from seeking Jesus in our lives. That, my friends, is by design. The enemy uses tactics like this to keep us from obtaining an intimate relationship with Christ. It is startling to think about, isn't it?
So what if we changed that a little bit? What if we take all of that effort, energy, passion and focus, and turn it to pursing God instead of the "it" of what fills our "blank"? What if we focus on feeding into an intimate relationship with Christ? What would our lives look like? I believe that while we always have room to grow and learn and better ourselves in different areas of our lives, if we focus and pursue a deep and passionate relationship with Jesus, He will help us accomplish the "its" on our list. In fact, He will show us the "its" that we may not even realize are in our lives. The beauty is that it is THROUGH Christ that we will have the WISDOM and STRENGTH to be victorious in those things in our lives.
Ephesians 4 talks about the unity and maturity in the body of Christ. Verses 11 - 14 explains how Christ gave the apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers to equip God's people for service so the body of Christ will be built up to the point of being mature in our knowledge and faith, "attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming."
We will be able to...
...become debt free...
...lose weight and fit into those skinny jeans...
...see our kids behave...
...get our kids through college...
...get past this project...
...get through this month...
...obtain that one special item...
...get the perfect job...
...find our soul mate...
...get healthy...
...if that is what God has planned for us. When we have that connection with the Author of our lives, we begin to know what it is that He wants for us. We are in tune with His Spirit. We trust His guidance and direction. We are willing to step out in a blind faith, adoration and devotion to Him. Yes, we are idolizing the King of Kings. Our desire should be to want His will in our lives.
Will everything in our lives be perfect? Oh, heck no. Why not? Because the enemy is not going to sit idly by and let that relationship happen without putting up a fight. And you can EXPECT a fight. It is spiritual warfare.
But here is the thing, when we focus on, and pour into, our relationship with Christ, we know that we could not be in better company, under better direction, better protected, or more loved. Over time it is inevitable that our finances will change, our secular relationships will change, our jobs, health, and list of "its" will change. But God never will. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Hebrews 13:8 That is something that we can count on.
So why put your focus, passion and energy into your "it" list when you could put your focus, passion and energy into the Creator of the Universe who will never change, who created you to love Him, who has a purpose for your life, who loves you unconditionally, who is your provider, and who is the source of your existence? It's not too late to change your focus...
Lord, it is so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day mess of life that distracts us from focusing on You. Help bring me back to You in everything I do. I want to be completely focused on You, turning all control of everything else over to Your more than capable hands. Take my "it" list and have Your way with it. I am filling in the "blank" of my life with You because I know in doing so, my life will be the best that it can be according to Your will. I don't want to be anywhere else...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
What if you were Noah?
Towards the beginning of the year (yep, just a month ago) I started thinking about what it would be like to have been some of the people in the Bible. Haven't you ever thought about that? Surely I'm not the only one! Nahhhhhh.
When I was a little girl I remember listening to a Bill Cosby album (you know, the big round things that you put on the record player) at Dad and Connie's house. As I was thinking about the stories in the Bible, I was reminded of this one particular skit that Bill Cosby did on one of his albums regarding Noah. I have attached a video of that skit here as it's now on youtube: http://youtu.be/bputeFGXEjA It is a total classic! And if you haven't seen EvanAlmighty, maybe you should.
Lets bring the story in today's day and say since I just bought my house a year ago that I'm doing some upgrades and cutting some wood out in the garage. (Uh huh...scary thought that I know how to use a saw, isn't it? I hear ya!) Then I hear this voice over the saw. Even though in my real daily life God's voice is that "ever still voice", I don't imagine that this would be the case here...because you know that saws can be pretty doggon loud! So maybe his voice is much like Cosby depicted in the skit; deep, clear and booming.
God calls out my name; "Celeste!" Or do you think he would call me that? Maybe he'd use my home name, "Michelle!" Or perhaps just for the delight of my MC friends, he'd say, "Mookie!" Ok...probably not. We'll roll with Michelle. God's incredibly deep, commanding, booming voice heard over the saw: "Michelle!"
Hmmm...maybe we should step away from Cosby's version and look at what it says in the Bible. You can find the story of Noah in the very first book of the Bible: Genesis, chapter 6, starting in verse 8 (Genesis 6:8). It says here that Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Oh to have been Noah! My first instinct is to say that I would NEVER have that type of grace from God! But we all get to have the grace from God, so we should all be glad about that. In my situation, very undeserved, but man, I'll take it with gladness!
If you look down in verse 13 you'll see that God explains to Noah (me, in this rendition) that there is much violence on earth and because of that, His plan was to "end all flesh" by using the earth to destroy them. Yikes! I've been let in on some doozie secrets before, but this takes the cake! In that moment I take a deep breath and can't help but hold it, thinking of my family...my kids...their families...my friends. I feel panic stricken at the thought of what God is about to do.
(I might think about the dog, cat, chinchilla and lizard as a second thought but don't tell them.) ;-)
The Lord goes on giving directions about building the ark and how to do that. They are pretty detailed and being a note taker, I am furiously writing all the information down as quick as I can. I don't want to waste the Lord's time!
God then shares a little more information on how He is going to destroy all living beings...with a flood that He is going to bring on. He emphasises that everything that is on the earth is going to die. Now, this is almost like torture because all I can think about are the people that I love. They have no idea what is about to come their way and I can't tell them because I can't give away God's secret! He will obviously know...He is God! What a quandary!
And then this happened, God explains to me that he is going to make a covenant with me. (A covenant is typically a formal agreement between two or more people about doing or not doing something.) Essentially, if I build the ark, I will be able to bring my children, my spouse, and the spouse of my children with me on the ark. My exhale is audible as the initial relief of leaving behind my kids emits itself from my body. In fact, I almost miss the rest of God's instructions to collect two of each kind of living thing and bring it onto the ark.
What a curious thing. Two of each kind of creature. How am I going to do that? Logistically, how is that even possible? Just as I try to figure out how to control the situation I hear the words from my God who is the God of all: "...will come to you to keep them alive." Ohhhh! Ok! Got it! Have you ever wondered about that...how did Noah get them all together? For years I missed the part about them going to Noah.
Once all of the animals and my family were on the ark, we did not close the doors...the Lord shut them in. What an amazing sight to see. That huge door being shut so we would all be safe...being shut at the hand of God Himself! Gently it closes and the rain begins to fall, just as the Lord said it would. With the same gentle hand that shut us in to the ark, the same hand brought down the wrath of 40 days and 40 nights of rains and flood, killing every living thing outside of the ark.
I am humbled by God's mercy. And humbled again at God's ability to make a wind pass over the earth, as if He just blew across the earth with his own breath, or perhaps He was sighing, and the rain stopped, the water receded, and the ark rested on ground after seven months. That is a long time but who isn't willing to wait on God for that deliverance? And during that time, the main thing that we had to do was to worship the God who had saved us from the wrath that everyone else had endured. The worship was deep, constant and beautiful beyond words.
Once off of the ark and back on land I became a farmer and planted a vineyard. Ultimately, I lived to be 950 years old! Looking good for my age, aren't I? :-)
This is just one of many stories in the Bible. As you explore the excitement and thrill of God's stories, remember that they are true but don't forget to ask yourself how you would have handled that situation had it been you. Maybe we'll take a look at another story sometime soon.
If you were Noah, what would you have done?
Lord, I thank You for Your mercy and the grace that You provide to each of us each day. We thank You that You have promised to not provide a flood again because I have no idea what a "cubit" is or if I would even be able to find gopherwood like that! I don't know that Lowe's carries that! :-) But I thank You that You are willing to use each one of us despite our failures, despite who we think we are, despite our lack of attention to You, Lord. But instead, You know what it is that we need, when we need it, and provide in ways that we don't even always see. We thank You for Your gentle touch and for Your wrath as it is surely warranted. We thank You for Your unending and unconditional love each and every day. We honor You for who You are: our God.
When I was a little girl I remember listening to a Bill Cosby album (you know, the big round things that you put on the record player) at Dad and Connie's house. As I was thinking about the stories in the Bible, I was reminded of this one particular skit that Bill Cosby did on one of his albums regarding Noah. I have attached a video of that skit here as it's now on youtube: http://youtu.be/bputeFGXEjA It is a total classic! And if you haven't seen EvanAlmighty, maybe you should.
Lets bring the story in today's day and say since I just bought my house a year ago that I'm doing some upgrades and cutting some wood out in the garage. (Uh huh...scary thought that I know how to use a saw, isn't it? I hear ya!) Then I hear this voice over the saw. Even though in my real daily life God's voice is that "ever still voice", I don't imagine that this would be the case here...because you know that saws can be pretty doggon loud! So maybe his voice is much like Cosby depicted in the skit; deep, clear and booming.
God calls out my name; "Celeste!" Or do you think he would call me that? Maybe he'd use my home name, "Michelle!" Or perhaps just for the delight of my MC friends, he'd say, "Mookie!" Ok...probably not. We'll roll with Michelle. God's incredibly deep, commanding, booming voice heard over the saw: "Michelle!"
Hmmm...maybe we should step away from Cosby's version and look at what it says in the Bible. You can find the story of Noah in the very first book of the Bible: Genesis, chapter 6, starting in verse 8 (Genesis 6:8). It says here that Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Oh to have been Noah! My first instinct is to say that I would NEVER have that type of grace from God! But we all get to have the grace from God, so we should all be glad about that. In my situation, very undeserved, but man, I'll take it with gladness!
If you look down in verse 13 you'll see that God explains to Noah (me, in this rendition) that there is much violence on earth and because of that, His plan was to "end all flesh" by using the earth to destroy them. Yikes! I've been let in on some doozie secrets before, but this takes the cake! In that moment I take a deep breath and can't help but hold it, thinking of my family...my kids...their families...my friends. I feel panic stricken at the thought of what God is about to do.
(I might think about the dog, cat, chinchilla and lizard as a second thought but don't tell them.) ;-)
The Lord goes on giving directions about building the ark and how to do that. They are pretty detailed and being a note taker, I am furiously writing all the information down as quick as I can. I don't want to waste the Lord's time!
God then shares a little more information on how He is going to destroy all living beings...with a flood that He is going to bring on. He emphasises that everything that is on the earth is going to die. Now, this is almost like torture because all I can think about are the people that I love. They have no idea what is about to come their way and I can't tell them because I can't give away God's secret! He will obviously know...He is God! What a quandary!
And then this happened, God explains to me that he is going to make a covenant with me. (A covenant is typically a formal agreement between two or more people about doing or not doing something.) Essentially, if I build the ark, I will be able to bring my children, my spouse, and the spouse of my children with me on the ark. My exhale is audible as the initial relief of leaving behind my kids emits itself from my body. In fact, I almost miss the rest of God's instructions to collect two of each kind of living thing and bring it onto the ark.
What a curious thing. Two of each kind of creature. How am I going to do that? Logistically, how is that even possible? Just as I try to figure out how to control the situation I hear the words from my God who is the God of all: "...will come to you to keep them alive." Ohhhh! Ok! Got it! Have you ever wondered about that...how did Noah get them all together? For years I missed the part about them going to Noah.
Once all of the animals and my family were on the ark, we did not close the doors...the Lord shut them in. What an amazing sight to see. That huge door being shut so we would all be safe...being shut at the hand of God Himself! Gently it closes and the rain begins to fall, just as the Lord said it would. With the same gentle hand that shut us in to the ark, the same hand brought down the wrath of 40 days and 40 nights of rains and flood, killing every living thing outside of the ark.
I am humbled by God's mercy. And humbled again at God's ability to make a wind pass over the earth, as if He just blew across the earth with his own breath, or perhaps He was sighing, and the rain stopped, the water receded, and the ark rested on ground after seven months. That is a long time but who isn't willing to wait on God for that deliverance? And during that time, the main thing that we had to do was to worship the God who had saved us from the wrath that everyone else had endured. The worship was deep, constant and beautiful beyond words.
Once off of the ark and back on land I became a farmer and planted a vineyard. Ultimately, I lived to be 950 years old! Looking good for my age, aren't I? :-)
This is just one of many stories in the Bible. As you explore the excitement and thrill of God's stories, remember that they are true but don't forget to ask yourself how you would have handled that situation had it been you. Maybe we'll take a look at another story sometime soon.
If you were Noah, what would you have done?
Lord, I thank You for Your mercy and the grace that You provide to each of us each day. We thank You that You have promised to not provide a flood again because I have no idea what a "cubit" is or if I would even be able to find gopherwood like that! I don't know that Lowe's carries that! :-) But I thank You that You are willing to use each one of us despite our failures, despite who we think we are, despite our lack of attention to You, Lord. But instead, You know what it is that we need, when we need it, and provide in ways that we don't even always see. We thank You for Your gentle touch and for Your wrath as it is surely warranted. We thank You for Your unending and unconditional love each and every day. We honor You for who You are: our God.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
In the pursuit of...
This morning the pastor of NewSpring Church in South Carolina, Perry Noble, posted a blog titled: "You Probably Should Not Date Him If...". (http://www.perrynoble.com/2012/02/01/you-probably-should-not-date-him-if/) Perry has an awesome way of putting things out there in a real way that is typically rather humorous so he has one of the few blogs that I subscribe to.
After reading the post this morning, I have been pondering the first thought of being pursued and how guys should never tire of pursuing the woman that he wants to be with. Blame the adventurous side of me (or is it the female side of me?) but there is something about the thought of being pursued by a man of integrity, who is loyal, and knows that it is "me" that he wants that kicks the harlequin gears into drive. (And I don't read harlequin books - for the record!)
While still feeling dreamy about the thought of actually being pursued I realized that there is a lot of talk and obligation for a man to pursue a woman, but there isn't much definition around what that "pursuit" looks like. Before your mind goes there, don't even think that I'm going to try to define it here because I probably wouldn't know it if it hit me upside the head! That is real talk. :-) Instead, I can tell you what it is not.
Before doing that though, perhaps we should get a good definition of what it is just for fun and for comparisons sake. From dictionary.com we know that Pursuit is "an effort to attain; a quest", or "any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly or customarily". I will admit, I LOVE the word "quest"! (That darn adventurous side!) Ok...now that we are squarely planted on the dictionary version of it, lets talk about what it is not.
A man pursuing a woman is not continually trying to get in touch with her every few months even when you've been asked to leave her alone. No means no.
A man pursuing a woman is not the same as a man stalking the woman. (Hint: if you have had an order of protection placed against you by the woman, you are now in stalker mode, not pursuing, and you need to stop!)
A man pursuing a woman is not someone who expresses himself once and disappears because her level of interest wasn't the same, or wasn't what was expected. Give it some time. Continue to be her friend. Just continue to get to know each other and see what happens.
A man pursuing a woman is not a one-time scenario of wanting a commitment from her. This isn't a game of Deal or No Deal. Again, give it some time.
A man does not truly pursue a woman if he is using middle-men. You know what I mean. That old school stuff. "Tell her that I like her and see what she says."
A man pursuing a woman is not a man who calls himself trying to pursue multiple women at the same time to see which one works out first. (Yes, you have to put all your eggs in the same basket to truly be pursuing a woman.)
A man pursuing a woman does not rely on gifts to tell the tale. He begins to write his own story with her through his own actions and behaviors.
So maybe that brings us back to what it is like to be the man pursuing a woman. As I said before, as the pursuer you are a man of integrity, loyal, patient, kind, willing to explore and get to know each other, can look her square in the eyes and have a decent conversation, is committed to putting in whatever time it takes, is adventurous, is willing to go on a "quest", and knows how to "write" a good story.
Now, what that looks like from one person to the next, I have no idea. But that is what it feels like in the heart when I think about it.
What do you think?
After reading the post this morning, I have been pondering the first thought of being pursued and how guys should never tire of pursuing the woman that he wants to be with. Blame the adventurous side of me (or is it the female side of me?) but there is something about the thought of being pursued by a man of integrity, who is loyal, and knows that it is "me" that he wants that kicks the harlequin gears into drive. (And I don't read harlequin books - for the record!)
While still feeling dreamy about the thought of actually being pursued I realized that there is a lot of talk and obligation for a man to pursue a woman, but there isn't much definition around what that "pursuit" looks like. Before your mind goes there, don't even think that I'm going to try to define it here because I probably wouldn't know it if it hit me upside the head! That is real talk. :-) Instead, I can tell you what it is not.
Before doing that though, perhaps we should get a good definition of what it is just for fun and for comparisons sake. From dictionary.com we know that Pursuit is "an effort to attain; a quest", or "any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly or customarily". I will admit, I LOVE the word "quest"! (That darn adventurous side!) Ok...now that we are squarely planted on the dictionary version of it, lets talk about what it is not.
A man pursuing a woman is not continually trying to get in touch with her every few months even when you've been asked to leave her alone. No means no.
A man pursuing a woman is not the same as a man stalking the woman. (Hint: if you have had an order of protection placed against you by the woman, you are now in stalker mode, not pursuing, and you need to stop!)
A man pursuing a woman is not someone who expresses himself once and disappears because her level of interest wasn't the same, or wasn't what was expected. Give it some time. Continue to be her friend. Just continue to get to know each other and see what happens.
A man pursuing a woman is not a one-time scenario of wanting a commitment from her. This isn't a game of Deal or No Deal. Again, give it some time.
A man does not truly pursue a woman if he is using middle-men. You know what I mean. That old school stuff. "Tell her that I like her and see what she says."
A man pursuing a woman is not a man who calls himself trying to pursue multiple women at the same time to see which one works out first. (Yes, you have to put all your eggs in the same basket to truly be pursuing a woman.)
A man pursuing a woman does not rely on gifts to tell the tale. He begins to write his own story with her through his own actions and behaviors.
So maybe that brings us back to what it is like to be the man pursuing a woman. As I said before, as the pursuer you are a man of integrity, loyal, patient, kind, willing to explore and get to know each other, can look her square in the eyes and have a decent conversation, is committed to putting in whatever time it takes, is adventurous, is willing to go on a "quest", and knows how to "write" a good story.
Now, what that looks like from one person to the next, I have no idea. But that is what it feels like in the heart when I think about it.
What do you think?
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