Lessons of the Heart

The last three to four weeks have been the strangest and most stressful of weeks that I've experienced in a long time. Now anyone who knows me well enough also knows that I have had my share of stressful times in my life but I can honestly say that it has been a very long time since I have experienced something at this level before. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever felt that way?

In the past when I experienced the extreme stress did I handle it better then because I was younger? Perhaps because I was a Marine at the time and was conditioned to deal with stress? Why is it that this time I was actually effected physically and emotionally? It is an interesting thing to ponder and one that I'll probably never know the answer to.

Another question that I'll probably never know the answer to is why did my brother, Dave, commit suicide on June 11th? What was so bad that he felt that ending his own life would make it better? What was it that was so terribly disturbing that he didn't feel that he could just come home or call on us for support? Or was it that he was calling out to us but we neglected to hear him? Did we miss the boat, the cries for help? Or was he just so set on ending things that he didn't share that part of his life with us. We know that he was planning this for at least a month. During those 31 days of thoughts, did he ever just stop to think about all of the other options that were available to him? About all of the people who love him? About how we would have dropped everything to help? All those answers will go unanswered but I certainly wish that I could hear his voice today.

Hearing God's voice is something that I have always wanted to do since becoming a Christian. I have a strong desire to see clearly the path that He has for me. I have taken many paths in my time; some I knew as soon as I stepped foot on them that they were the wrong paths but took them anyway, some I thought were the right paths but they ended up not being so, and as I stood at the end of others and looked back over them I knew with confidence that they were the right paths.

One of the things that I have blogged about before is my desire to follow a path that is God-directed regarding being in a relationship. About the same time that Dave ended his life, I also ended a relationship that originally I thought was "The One". I am amazed at how one person can appear to be the one that God provided but end up being the polar opposite. How is it that a patient person with a high level of integrity and wisdom turn out to be someone who is passive / aggressive with no integrity at all? How does that happen? How is it that I could feel with such confidence that this person was meant to be my husband and have that confidence shattered? How is it that over a nine day period the person that I thought I fell in love with would turn out to be a person that I'd need to get a restraining order against? How does that happen exactly?

Needless to say, over the last few weeks I've been wondering about how all this could happen? Not only am I missing cues but I'm hearing the wrong ones. I am left with questions and lots of them. Was this path the one that I was to adventure down so that I could learn a lesson out of it? Was it for a purpose? Was I actually following the path that God intended for me to so he could tell me something? Make a point? Is this God's way of letting me know that I am not meant to have a relationship like that? Am I listening to that possibility? Am I not aware enough of other people, maybe being so self-absorbed, that I cannot hear the cries of my own brother who needs help? Had I called more often would it have prevented all of this? Is there something down the road of life that God has in store for me that can only be completed if I am single and open to it? Am I not paying enough attention to the relationships that I already have in my life? Have I taken friends and family for granted? And if I cannot find a solid relationship with a man who claims to be a Christian, why do I bother to find someone like that? Why rule out those that are not? I wish I could hear the answer to that as clearly as I hear the music coming out of my speakers right now.

My thought pattern has shifted from these two events and I have two lessons that I pulling from them:

1. I want to love those around me and want them to know that I love them. I want to let them know that they are someone special in my life and not just stop there but to tell them why. Because of the events with Dave, I have reconnected with some very special people from my past that I hadn't talked to in quite a while. While things will never be "the same" as before (because life goes on and things change) there is, and I suspect always will be, a very close and respectful tie between us. I can honestly say, "I love you" to them all without feeling strange about it...without feeling guarded. Perhaps that is the key, my guard is down now in regards to this. Will they understand the full scope of what I am saying? Most of them probably do but for those that don't, I pray that one day they will. I pray that they will see the impact that they have made on my life and I pray that I have made a positive impact on theirs.
2. I want to focus on the relationships that I have in my life right now. Those relationships come in many forms: kids, family & friends. Those relationships are found in many places in my life: home, church, work, people from high school, from the Marine Corps, people back in Cali and even people that I have met online and become good friends with. I no longer want to focus on when, or if, I'll have another intimate relationship. I don't want to meet or be around a single man and wonder, "is this the one?" I want to experience life with those around me, with the people that God has put in my life. I am to assume that each person is in my life for a reason regardless if I understand it or not...and those that have been taken out have been taken out for a reason.

With both of these situations that took place at the same time, cutting deep into my heart and soul, my eyes were opened to the amount of people in my life that love me for who I am and who are concerned for my well-being. Even the new people that I met along the way rallied around me providing love and support. Those that opened up their homes to my children so I could take them out of state to be safe from the situation of the break-up...those that opened up their homes to me for the same reason, offering the solitude and serenity that I so desperately needed...those that sent text messages, emails, Facebook posts and phone calls to check on us and provide support...those that just walked up and provided hugs and kisses...those that let me cry (sometimes quietly in silence...sometimes while talking even when they couldn't understand what I was saying) although most have never even seen me cry...those that offered "hook-ups" like the Polish Mafia, the ability to drop my God-Father's name as the former chief of police here, those that offered just to come in and "take care of it" for me...and of course to those that prayed for me diligently and earnestly even when I couldn't find it in me to pray for myself because I just didn't know what to say.

I know, without a doubt, that all I would have to do is utter the word "help" and there would be a multitude of people who would drop everything to come and do just that, help. I am absolutely blessed beyond measure and in more ways than anyone can ever really understand or imagine. I am thankful for the opportunity to have such friends and love in my life.

Forgive me, Lord, for not seeing the relational blessings that you have provided to me. I am sorry that I took the people, situations and time for granted that you have put in my life for a reason. I apologize that I have gotten so sidetracked with trying to find "The One" that I failed to see "The Many" that you have already allowed me the opportunity to find.

Thank you for those that truly love me for who I am, spots and all. Thank You for providing such a great family and wonderful friends. Thank You for saturating me in Your love through these special people in my life. Thank You for the ability to choose to live my life in a way that honors the relationships that You have blessed me with. Thank You for second chances...third chances...and 150th chances.

Don't give up on me, Lord, I am trying...and I love You more today than I ever have...

Today's Advice

Be the kind of woman that when your feet

hit the floor each morning the devil says,

"Oh Crap, She's up!"

Owner's Manual for Teen Daughters

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.

Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger.

No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter.

There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both.

If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and oh my god he is so hot.

Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. (Thank God mine doesn't!)

You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.

Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.

If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

Oh Gladys!

This is sooooo funny! (Thank you to my friend, Jesse, over in the AZ for this one!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83JDXXKzOXg&feature=player_embedded

Almost 7 minutes long but well worth it!

Brace! Egress!

Underwater Egress Simulators, or more commonly known as survival dunk tanks. This is a part of the training for most, if not all, aviators on how to survive a plane crash in the waters. This controlled simulation affords the trainee the opportunity to experience the violent impact of a plane going down in water, the aircraft sinking and then spinning upside down while underwater. It is an unnatural thing. Your breathing has to change. You must keep your wits about you even though you are disoriented in the waters, buckled in, upside down in an enclosed capsule. Most that are trained are also trained in an even more challenging situation: the night. To add to the already tense situation, the person is either trained in the dark or they are required to wear goggles that block out all light.

The interesting thing to note here is that in one way or another all of those that go through this training volunteer for it. They may not go into the training with a strong desire to go through the underwater simulator, but their ultimate goal is to be a pilot or a crew member. To reach their goal, they must get highly educated and go through training that is certain to not be comfortable for them and at times, quite the opposite. But with their goals in mind they dawn all the necessary gear that is even heavier in water. They attend all the required classes. And then they eventually step into the simulator, take a deep breath and plummet to their potential sudden death.

Of course, the simulator is conducted in a controlled environment. The trainer is there to help should there be an emergency situation. However, when the students are doing the simulation as part of their test to be qualified, the instructor cannot say anything. It is solely on the individual to make the right moves, to stay calm even in the dark and the turbulence, to get oriented even when things are upside down and they feel trapped because they are strapped in. The student must brace themselves and rely on the training and education that they have received to egress (escape / get out of) the situation.

How much are our lives like this? Each day we are being educated. Every minute we are being trained in one thing or another. Life is a series of lessons and it is something that we volunteer for, literally. We should recognize that we have been hand picked to be here and to go through this "course", but once here we volunteer to stay until we have finished our final test and get to go home with what we hope to be our ultimate qualification.

At what point in the training are you? Do you have a goal in mind? Do you know what outcome you want to see from your life? And if you have that goal in mind and you are going for it, where are you in your training course? For me, I have a goal in my sights and I volunteer daily to go through the classes and training necessary to be qualified. I know that I will not get a perfect score because I've lost many points already, but my desire is to get the best score that I can so I will ultimately be qualified.

Where am I in the training course? Quite honestly I feel that I am strapped to my seat, trapped in the darkness, submerged in water upside down and frankly, disoriented. I am making all efforts to stay calm, allow some time to get oriented, and I am thankful that I know what I need to do next. I have had many classes on this topic. My instructor is the best there is. But he is now silent and I know why; because I am taking a test. I know that he is near me, watching me, even though I cannot see him through the dark waters, but he is there.

Now is the time for me to unbuckle the straps that hold me in their tight grip. Now is the time to move hand-over-hand feeling my way to the exit, unlock the door that is trapping me in, and push it out of the way. It will only be when I have quietly and calmly completed these things that feel so unnatural to me that I will be able to move through the exits and egress. And only then will I be qualified and pass the test. I recognize that I will likely have to requalify over the years to maintain my goal, but it will be worth it for the "prize" in the end.

Through all of this, one thing is certain...my instructor, even without physically seeing him, is there with me the whole length of the test and is silently cheering me on. I want to make Him proud...

A New Perspective

Here is something to add a little perspective to our lives...




An update: I finally found this amazing guy's website...this is what it is all about!

http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/index.php

Some Questions to Ponder

Many years ago I started reading a book called "Pathway to Purpose for Women" by Katie Bazelton. If that sounds familiar to you it may be because I have referred to it in a past blog. Along with that book there is a smaller book called "Praying for Purpose for Women" and is a 60 day devotional.

I freely admit that I started this book a few times in the past but I never got past the first ten days or so. With only a few days to go I am really glad that I've gone the full "path" this time. (Don't you like that play on words there? hehehe) (((((clearing my throat))))) Okay, moving right along...each chapter in this book is pretty short but focuses in on one question each day. I would recommend this to anyone who is committed to sticking with the book to the very end. It also makes a nice morning devotional...a great way to focus in on God.

So what I thought would be fun is to challenge you to ponder the questions that the books asks. So here they are for you to noodle on...I might end up throwing in a few of my own answers to some of them...

What are you afraid of?
What consequences have you faced from a life mistake?
When have you persevered?
What's confused in your life?
How did God use a crisis or problem to bring good into your life?
What are a few of your talents or skills?
How do you define success?
Who is your hero or role model?
What comment or conversation has had a great impact on you?
What are two of your best personal qualities?
How do you self-sabotage?
My answer was that I over eat and allow myself to get larger and do anything to keep myself from losing the weight. It took my answering this question to realize that I need to get myself together and so I started a weight loss program on March 1st and have started exercising, albeit slowly. Sometimes all you need is for someone to ask the question and for you to think enough about it to realize what needs to be done. This is one of those times!
What's right and what's wrong in your life?
What was a turning point in your life?
I listed a few: turning my life over to Christ, having kids, endured abuse, failed marriages and relationships, experiences in Africa, joining the military.
What roadblocks have you encountered in your life?
What are your hobbies?
Scrapbooking, crafts, reading and maybe, just maybe, writing.
Who is in your network?
What were you born to tell the world?
This is a great chapter. What I feel that I was born to tell the world is that Jesus wants you just as you are. You don't have to "get right" before you give yourself to Christ, and that we were each born for a purpose.
How is God developing your character?
What has been your favorite job, ministry, or community volunteer opportunity?
In what situation was God's power evident to you?
There have been many ways that God's power is evident to me but the one that stood out the most at the time I was answering the question was when God healed Chico over in Africa. What an amazing story!
Weighing everything, what do you want out of life?
What strength of yours can easily become a weakness?
What's going on in your quiet time with the Lord?
What do you need to confess?
Where have you searched for significance?
What would you like to change about yourself?
When have you taken a quantum leap of faith?
Where is your current mission field?
Other than God and your family, what do you value most?
What equipping do you still need for God's work?
What's missing in your life?
What do you want to be doing for God ten years from now?
What weakness of yours has God turned into a strength?
How balanced is your life?
What do you need to learn?
What is your unhealthy method of escape?
When have you obeyed God?
When have you experienced God's timing in your life?
How does God get through to you?
What is the root caue of your anger?
How would you spend your last week on earth?
What do you need to surrender?
How do you try to steal God's glory?
How often and how hard do you laugh?
What is your prized excuse?
What are you most grateful for?
What are your spiritual gifts?
What baggage are you carrying that you don't want?
To whom has God called you?
What current activity or opportunity might be a distraction?
How do you prioritize your roles and goals?
In what circumstance has God been faithful to you?
Starting today, how can you better prepare for God's purpose for your life?
What are you happy about? What brings you joy?
What ingrained belief do you need to challenge?
What do you regret?
What is your greatest hope or deepest longing?
What have you learned from one of your failures?
What in your life needs further clarification?
What's your motive?

Interesting stuff...take time to try to answer each one...and for those that are interested, the book is really good! Happy pondering!