By far, the hardest part of my grieving process has been not being able to touch Mario. I miss the moments of him hanging on me so much that I had to tell him to "get off!" or to stop putting all of his 150 lbs of weight on me. I miss all the hugs that I would get from him...ALL the time. I miss the crazy amount of kisses that he would plant on my cheek and forehead. Sometimes when he would plant that kiss, he would hold it there as long as he could until he was laughing so hard he was drooling on me and I was laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face. And I miss hearing his voice calling for me because he needed something, or wanted to tell me something...or just telling me he loves me.
I'm not trying to be all sappy here. This is my new reality. Everyone's grieving process is different. I've come to terms with that and have accepted the fact that this feeling will not go away. Ever. Something that I'm okay with too. The way I see it, as long as I can feel the loss of Mario, I still feel Mario. Or perhaps it is the other way around: as I still feel Mario in my life, it makes the loss of him real.
So that brings me to this morning. On my 35 minute commute to work today I was having what I now affectionately call "a moment". A moment = when I feel Mario and emotionally feel the loss of him in a very real way. I was struggling to keep it together but knew I would soon arrive to work and go straight into a meeting that I needed to be focused on. After the meeting I was still struggling a bit emotionally with no known trigger for the emotion.
Back at my desk I found an email from a coworker in my inbox. The explanation in it was that his daughter had to write an essay for her National Honor Society application. The topic was on a person that has influenced her life and he thought I might like to see it. As I opened the essay and started to read it, I had to shut my door. With their permission, I am sharing that essay with you:
****
I will never
forget one specific day of my sophomore year in high school. March 7th, 2014, my world came to
a standstill when I woke up to a text that my close friend Mario McNeill had
died the night before in a car crash near my house. I immediately could not breathe and began to
cry. Mario had a huge impact on my life
before and after he died. Even now he is
still a huge influence on my day to day life as well. We had met several years earlier, we took the
same bus route together on our way home from middle school. The first time I met him was on a yellow
school bus, in the very back seat, I needed a seat and he wouldn’t let me sit
by him. After a few awkward starring
moments, he finally slid over and let me get the remaining 12 inches of the
bench. The way he smiled just made you
fall in love with him and his personality, regardless of his sarcastic actions. We became good friends after that awkward bus
seat encounter. I would ride my bike to
his house weekly and he would come out, smile, and we would talk just about
anything. From random bike rides to
lovely “Mario style” good morning texts, there wasn’t one single thing you
could dislike about him. Not really
knowing many people walking into high school was tough, but when I sat down at
the cafeteria table on an early August morning my freshman year, Mario was
right beside me either laughing or sending me funny snapchat pictures of myself. Mario was the definition of a perfect friend,
never making you feel sad or worthless, just all smiles and hugs. He loved hugs. My day of March 7th was mostly
spent in the councilor’s office running though millions of Kleenex’s trying to
dry my eyes. One thing that made Mario a
person of influence in my life was his connection to God. Passing him in the hallways hearing him
trying to convert atheists to Christianity was so heart touching. His love for God and sharing his message was
his passion. I already know Mario would
have most likely been a pastor or some kind of people person sharing his
infatuation for the one he lived for. His
impact in my life has been nothing but positive. Through him, I have made friends that will
last a lifetime, a stronger relationship with God, and a friend I look forward
to seeing again when it’s my turn to go.
Overall, he taught me that life is short and we need to spend every
second living like it’s our last, serving the one who allows us to be on this
earth. Mario’s death was a life lesson
for everyone. He impacted my driving
habits and customs as well as whom I’m friends with. He showed me to love everyone like they are
your own family. He taught me to love
life, never take anything for granted, and be so outgoing. I try to live my life like Mario did, the
same way he impacted everyone else’s lives, the same way he STILL impacts
everyone’s life. My life has been
changed in such a great way due to Mario and his impact on my childhood all the
way to this current day. Mario makes the
grass greener and the skies bluer, there will always be special place in my
heart for Kenneth “Mario” McNeill.
****
Beautiful, right? Yep. I think so too. Here is the deal: it's things like this that help me to remember the assurance that Mario's life had meaning, that he lived his life in such a way that he fulfilled his purpose. I know that just as his life was planned, so was his death - and the timing of his death had it's own purpose. I wish there was a way that I could even remotely express to you how humbling it is to read things like this...to realize this is about my son.The majority of the time everything still seems so unbelievable. I literally sit and wonder, "did this really happen?", "is he really gone?", "is this for real?" Even after six months those questions stay with me.
Some of you have said that you think I'm "strong". Please know that I am not. It is truly God Himself who sustains me. Me, by myself? I am nothing. But it is Him who is holding me up. And I say that knowing that I do not deserve it, yet He still does it. All I can do is hang on because there is simply no way I can stand on my own. Nor do I want to. I'd rather be right here in this space and time hanging onto Him than failing by myself.
This essay that was sent today? It isn't only a reminder that Mario's life had purpose and that he lived his life with pure abandonment for Christ and for others in his own courageous and outgoing way, but it is a loud reminder to me that this is also the way that I should be living my life.
By the way, the young lady who wrote the essay? She was inducted into the National Honor Society this evening. An honor well deserved. A huge congratulations and an even bigger "Thank You" from a heartbroken mom who needed some encouragement and a solid reminder of where my focus needs to be.
We just never know how our lives are impacting others...live your life with healthy abandonment and courage.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20
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