The Beauty

As I sit here in my living room, in the quiet of an early morning while the kids are still sleeping, with the smell of blueberry pancakes cooking on the griddle, I am taken by the beauty of our lives. Just as I write that I am checked in my spirit that it really isn't the beauty of our lives that I am struck by...it is more the beauty of God in our lives.

I heard from an old friend yesterday who just returned from Afghanistan. We took some time to bat back and forth via email to get caught up in each other's lives. From my side I shared with him the recent successes of LaNece and Mario as he told me about looking forward to visiting his granddaughters and family members. It was great to catch up with him and to know that he is home. In his last email to me he said, "you must be a proud mama." My initial reaction was, yes, I am...and then added that even more so, I am thankful.

When I sit here now and think about where we have come from and where God has brought us in our lives, I am overwhelmed to tears. I want to describe what it was like 10 - 12 years ago but the small apartment we lived in, the amount of money I didn't make, none of the materialistic stuff matters. All I can think about is what our lives SHOULD look like today. Had our lives followed the normal pattern, things would be very different.

I remember saying one time, and was totally taken back by the words coming out of my own mouth, that I refuse to allow me and my family to be a statistic. What that meant to me at the time is that I recognize and acknowledge the things that have happened in our lives (domestic abuse, child abuse, poverty, terrible choices on my part, and the list goes on...) but I refuse to allow those circumstances to determine the path and future of my kids - my family. I was refusing to allow that to continue. I was standing up and saying that even if I have to continue with little money, there will be no more abuse, no more pitty parties, even with no help from outside sources, we will stand tall, be the exception to the rule and be strong. We will not wander but we will seek the path that God has for us. We will not rely on others to help us succeed (or fail), but we our home, no matter how small and humble it is, will be filled with love and acceptance. We will love each other and be there for each other.

Fast forward in life ten years. Here we are, two teens, one about to run off to college, one about to go into high school. Over the years I have had to let go of some things...friends, relationships, living conditions, jobs, ministries, churches, specific sports, and other activities. Some of those separations were painful, some left open wounds for a long time, and some have definitely left their marks either by way of a positive lifetime change or by way of a scar.

I have been haunted by something someone said to me a while ago during a separation that I felt I needed to make. They said that I would continue to go through things like this until I learned how to deal with the conflicts, etc. That one sentence attached itself to me and has been stuck on me for a long time now. It became a sore on my heart that has been festering. But as I sit here now, in the quiet, I can clearly see that the separations I have had in my life were for a purpose, scars and all.

For me personally, I know that sometimes things can pretty easily become a distraction. A distraction from my relationship with Christ, a distraction from my relationship with my kids, a distraction from my first priority of being a mom. I know that those things that I have had to take a step back from, whether they made sense to me or to others, have been for a purpose. Those separations, even the really painful ones (and in some cases, ESPECIALLY the painful ones) were absolutely, without question, needed. They were needed so I could focus on the areas of my life that should be getting my attention.

I am thankful that God has given me a path...one that I have to walk on one step at a time...and often have no idea what kind of ground my foot is going to land on. I am thankful that I can rest in the assurance that God has a plan for us, that He will never forsake us, that He has us even when others don't. He gives me life and hope even as others try to to do the opposite. I am thankful that I am able to see the beauty of God in our lives...

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6